Feeling Gay

So, I dunno, in case you guys haven't noticed... I'm odd.  Of course I mean that in the best possible sense, as in "out of the norm," "simply different than others," "off the beaten path."  I say this and so frequently do people sympathetically seem to respond with, "Oh... no you're not!"
They really want convince me that I'm not a bad person.
But I never said I was a bad person... I was just merely stating that there is an observable and distinct difference between me and a vast majority of people I encounter.  Sometimes it's a little isolating... sometimes, it's very much so... but I wouldn't change it.  That's why I haven't, right?  Not all of us have the willpower to change certain aspects of our lives that we dislike, but often in those circumstances we go with what's easier, the path of least resistance, rather.

Well, trust me, it's not easier to be like me.  I've been in "blend" mode before (immediately bows head and walks into a crowd of monks) and people admired me.  I was just "different enough."  Pretty, with long, blond hair.  Witty, but I didn't exert it too often.  I wore feminine clothing and painted ideals of beauty... none of this disgusting nonsensical bullshit I'm doing now.

I noticed some big changes in the way people interacted with me once I "came out."  Yes, I really do feel it was something like that... and honestly, I'm not even all the way out yet.  There are so many things that I've been trying to accept about myself, let alone feel comfortable enough to express it in public.  I don't necessarily want to push everything down people's throats, but I can't stand not expressing myself honestly.

Cutting my hair.  That was amusing.  People have treated me different ever since.  I don't like it, really.  Why am I suddenly less approachable?  Even if it was association of some sort of homophobic avoidance, I'm married... to a man (not that I care that he's a man to be honest... it honestly was just socially convenient for the both of us that we loved one another.)

I didn't cut my hair to look like a man.  And I don't think I do look like a man, I don't think most people think that... but even if I did look like a man, I still wouldn't care.  I spend half of my life as one.  I don't think I really even express that to my closest friends to the full extent that that goes... and I've NEVER expressed that to my family.

Gender is a state of mind.  Some labels we cannot avoid.  I paint, therefore, I am a painter.  But being a "boy" a "man" that's a set of generalized qualities that form an idea of how the male SEX is expected to behave.  Which, is a whole other can of worms that I find so tragically sad... on both sides.  The limitations we put on ourselves just because of our chromosomes, something we cannot help... our private parts.  How ridiculous!  I wonder what religious conservatives think about people who are born with neither or BOTH even?

Anyway, without getting too deep into a VERY loaded topic, I would like to state that on the few rare instances I have went into public as a "man" I much preferred the way people took to my person.  On one side, I throughly enjoyed it, knowing that I actually am funny, witty, charismatic, and on certain levels egotistically irresistible... but these traits on a woman... name one that possesses these qualities that people admire without at least an equal amount of scrutiny (without bending those traits too much... you know what I'm implying when I state that, so let's not get cheeky).  I don't care that I have boobs on my chest, and I don't particularly want a penis either (but even if I did... why do people care?), I just want to be myself.

Sometimes, I want to wear gorgeous dresses, and other times I want to wear blazers and ties.

Honestly, I go back and forth on this question a lot, but if I could chose my sex, what would I chose.  I would say 55% of the time, I say male... the other 45% female.

That may surprise some of you, and it may not... For those of you who admire me for being a woman in the sense you think they should be, by all means, continue doing so.  But I would much prefer if I were just admired for the person that I was, void of my gender.

I think in the end, all we really want is to be accepted for who we are, and being liked for it is even better.  When I'm a "guy" I feel better.  Like I stated earlier, I enjoy the way others respond to me.  I just wish my appearance had nothing to do with that.

True, shared love crosses territories as if they didn't exist.  It expresses itself freely and has a life of its own as an entirely separate being.  I believe that what most of the Western world refer to as God, delivers us people in our lives as messengers of His love, and in many forms.  It exists on many levels from the casual friend to the intimate lover and even self love and confidence.  I believe we awaken to this realization once we encounter and embrace the higher tiers of love, there is no other explanation.

It saddens me to think that others would damn others to hell because of something as pure, and profound as love.

And this is coming from a person in a heterosexual marriage and catholic raised.

With that said, though... my relationship, although on surface appears "straight" it is far, far from it... and if it's not straight, it must be queer.  So that says it... guess what world.  I'm gay.