Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Anything you can do...

1. I'm a crossdressing freak in a "heterosexual" marriage.

2. Surprisingly Bananas do NOT turn me on.

3. Speaking of Bananas, guess where there's always money?

4. Were you thinking of whoring yourself out?? What's wrong with you? I was going to say, "there's always money in the banana stand."

5. I get too many text messages everyday.

6. Also, speaking of being more popular than you, I can no longer keep up with my deviantart messages due to the exponential increase of my awesomeness.

7. Did I mention I also have too many commissions anymore that I can't even keep up with them.

8. This is probably the most distasteful thing I've ever done, which is really a great remark on my overall character.

9. Loves Irony.

10. My Little Pony is such a great show.

11. Believe it or not, that last statement was NOT an ironic one.

12. That one was really 8 onto itself, in case you weren't witty enough to understand.

13. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about that, just pointing out fundamental differences making this a worthy statement in my "25 things" series.

14. I wish I could be an ass more often.

15. I'm incredibly glad to think that I have college behind me, until I go to grad school anyway.

16. Suddenly feels compelled to be more serious.

17. Wishes her best friend was closer to her.

18. Doesn't like using the pronoun, "her" in reference to (her)self.

19. Really digs the newest experimental Mountain Dew "Pitch Black."

20. Worries that this will somehow make her fat, despite her insanely healthy diet, active lifestyle, and the ability to have never weighed past 160.

21. Flirts with wanting an eating disorder. But... has never had one.

22. Is too smart to have medial physchological/physiological "disorders" define who (s)he is.

23. Cannot listen to enough Electronica, techno, house, bass... yadda yadda... music.

24. Listens to the same song 5xs in a row, religiously.

25. Probably works harder than most of her peers who make money.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Now I'm serious...

Way back when, I mentioned something about getting back into digital painting... now I find myself in the appropriate place to do so... So, here's what I've got so far.

Friday, June 10, 2011

On the Precipice

About three times a year this happens to me... I don't eat, I don't want to sleep, and I feel like I've had 5 cups of coffee within an hour, all the time. That may be an explanation for the first two... alas, I'm not much of a coffee drinker. *looks to top of blog* Ahem... tea time.

Anyway, usually what results is an explosion of creativity. Usually, that's exciting... but this time I'm scared, and I don't mean that melodramatically.

I really am. Here's why:

Usually, I'm surrounded by other people, (they don't realize their main purpose is to keep me grounded during these times)... but this time... I'm around 2 boys that know me almost too well. Or rather, I should say, I know too well. I can run around like mad and get away with murder because they know... when it gets to this point... there is no turning back, so they just let it happen... well, one let's it happen awaiting the magical results or the catastrophic meltdown and the other has no clue what to do whatsoever. But, in short, it helps to have others around that I can bounce ideas around with, make stuff with... you know, that general flim-flam. But, I don't have that.

Right now, most of my stuff is in storage and this includes most of my art supplies. I'm left with a few sketchpads, some watercolors, elmer's glue, and craft foam. That's fine, really. Limitations often expand the mind to possibilities, but limitations on someone who's going to explode only adds fuel to the fire.

And, did I fail to mention... did you see the last mega-creation I came up with? It was insane. The product of over a year's worth of planning and seven months of hard-labor.

How do you follow up with something like that? The resources it took to create that thing alone are crippling as it is... to make a simple painting on a canvas feels like I'm taking 20 steps back. But I can't just make another room... I don't think I want to anyway.

What's happening to me right now is just a classic set of two separate cases.

1. The first being a "I just got out of college case and I don't know what to do with myself."
-What makes my case a little different isn't the fact that I'm burnt out and I want don't want to do anything, or even that without guidance I lack direction, it's just I have too many avenues that I want to pursue. I have my webcomic that I desperately want to get up and running, commissions that I'm in the middle of, too many costumes to list that I want to make, characters concepts to draw, landscapes inspired by my novel I want to render, my novel itself, the desire to want to prove my fine finesse of technical ability... it makes me want to pull my hair out. All the while, I'm struggling with the idea of how to present myself physically as that has become for some reason, yet another art project. I'm madly and hopelessly obsessed and it's getting in the way of being obsessed.

2. The second is just part of a predictable cycle that I go through... read into that what you will. I live with it well enough most of the time.

This time though, I can feel it. I tingle... everywhere, if that makes sense. I can't sit still and nothing seems good enough. It's like laughing and crying at the same time, 100% effort put into each.

But honestly, I'm just a little worried. I'm afraid of this precipice. It's always messy. I'm not worried that I'll come out with poor results, but I know I'll come out with some amount of damage to add to the collective. Chippin' off the stone, if you will. I'm going to be a funny looking stone.

I guess we'll just see what happens.

Photo courtesy of "socoolisme" on Deviant Art and youtube

Monday, June 6, 2011

Is it time?

Is it the time to talk about what I have been avoiding? Is it the time to slow down for a moment and think about the sum of my life up until this point? I've been putting it off and the funny thing is, it's not a requirement. I've just been meaning to. It's quite an undertaking though, really.

The last 5 years of my life retrospectively, make me question how much can really happen in such a relatively short amount of time, but then "relatively" makes me think too how short it all really is. Before I go on a cliche escapade about life, I'll save us all the agony and stop here.

Thinking back makes me hopeful, angry, happy, indifferent, worried, blessed, excited, but overall, lost. Could you tell? Right now is one of those pivotal moments. I'm packing my bags quite literally and figuratively as I begin the next phase of my life. Recently, I'm relieved and hurt by the lack of interest of people in my life that I honestly believed would have still been around. How the selfishness of people never ceases to amaze me and how the extent of their own insecurities disallows them from experiencing something that truly could be beautiful. Yet, I hold faith, and I'll never let go. It's why it keeps happening to me over and over again. I trust people. My tragic flaw I suppose, but I must admit, I'd rather be charmingly clumsy... but who wouldn't? Actually, I take that back. My flaw is better. My flaw holds out for better rewards in the long distance race.

So much has happened, it utterly overwhelms me. The places I've been, the people I've met, the people I've lost, the relationships that have grown or have been born, the ones that have deteriorated. Life never moved so quickly prior to the last 5, more really the last 3 years.

I'm a college graduate now. That's nice.

Really? Where am I now? I'm not sure. I'm not entirely certain I care to figure it out either. I do know that I strive for ambiguity and to be as free from labels as possible. More really, free from limitation. So, I'm a painter... okay? Can I not dance? Can I not make music? Can I not create costumes or create fiction? So I have a vagina... and?? What's it to you? Does it change anything to the rest of the world? Must I look "feminine?" And if I care not to look feminine, must I be the antithesis? Are there only 2 choices? The grey areas are far more fascinating and liberating. There be truth in them rainclouds.

Somedays I care so little for my physical presence that I wished I would disappear.

You know what, that's what I've gotten out of all of this. My soul just doesn't belong here. As happy as life makes me, and as much as I love people and life and music... I don't want to be here. I live for you. I live to entertain you. I live to comfort you, to sing you to sleep, to guide you, to love you, to let you know that next time, you'll be okay without me. You can do it and you are strong, and you're on the verge of greatness and truth.

I live for the plants and the animals.

Fortunately, for you, those reasons are more than a good enough reason to live.