Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Monsters of Silk and Lace

Dwelling filled with haze,
The moon passes
Time and time again.

Corner dark and suffocating,
Entices seekers of something transient,
To embrace a threshold
Not often conquered.

Arising from the depths of slumber,
The real monsters have come out to play.

Unraveling the threads to your existence,
They are only doing,
What God has told them to.

My monsters dress in robes of silk and lace.
But then again,
So do yours.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Where to begin?

"Where does it end?" may be a better suited question.

If anyone has the slightest interest in my life, provided my near year-long absence from not only the internet but virtually everything and my few sporadic blog postings, one may be able to deduce that perhaps... life hasn't been, the most favorable.

But hell, who am I kidding?  I am so private, I bury my real exploits, my real feelings, and everything I honestly do in a day in a shroud of silliness and superficial pursuits.  Maybe that's my problem.  You see, I have this really aggravating blind spot in my personality where I somehow conceive that others obsessively think about the motives and feelings of other people enough to at least try and be understanding before arriving at hasty conclusions.  Sometimes it sort of floors me when I think about how sincerely I express my love, my intentions, my passions... even if the moments be brief.  I say more in a sentence than most people I know say in a day.

But I get it.  It's because most people are bastards.  When most people stop talking to you out of the blue with no reasonable explanation, it's because something stupid was left unsaid, paranoia rises... people assume, negative feelings brew, time separates what the cowards cannot.  Trust me, if I was upset with anyone... they would know why.  That has never been my style.  I usually send a letter... I never said I was entirely brave either.

So, if I'm not upset, all that's left is... something must be wrong.  And I'll be honest, there have been a lot of somethings wrong.  There have been a lot of somethings right too.  Overall, it's been a huge mess of just a lot.  I want to share my position of what has been happening, as to receive a better understanding but I will not based from the following thoughts...

What I have learned from not being on the internet was how to live life again.  I can't begin to explain how much my life has expanded from not worrying about what people were saying on facebook, or how to keep up with this artist or that cosplayer...

I've also come to realize how sad and watered down our social lives are anymore.  Everything that I now am can only be through what is on my facebook wall or my deviantart page or hell... my blog.  And it's not just me, everyone.  We spend so much time working ourselves up and over it that we make ourselves sick.  I know it makes me sick.

The past year has shaped me in ways that are honestly incomprehensible to even myself at times.  For the better portion of my existence, I have been a friend that overextends.  I took a forced year off and I needed it (even though I hated it).  My soul needed it.  None of the past year's expeditions from an outsider's perspective are what they seem... in the slightest, and there are a few who will account for this.

Needless to say, I have a VERY complicated life and I don't expect that to change.  If I haven't made contact in a while it's because I have such good reasons it would probably make anyone feel guilty if I told them.  So why not fix my complicated life?  That's not me and it never will be.  That comes with the package, so for the first time in my life I am going to say, if you don't like it... leave it.  I'll understand.

To those of you that I have hurt, because it does not shame me to admit that there have been several, I am sincerely sorry.  I understand that we all have different expectations of what an acceptable level of communication is and I have been absent from everyone'e life, even my family's.  To me, it seemed an inevitable process that most individuals should go through at one time or another, and perhaps even more than once as it was one of the most incredibly enlightening times of my life thus far.

I know I mean a lot to many.  It's difficult to balance and feel sane when you care as much as I do.  It's made me somewhat neurotic to be honest and I've been trying to remedy that so I can be even better to the ones that should know that I really do care about them.

Despite how I just wish I had understanding (which I do have from many).  Despite how hurt I've felt for a while now, I completely understand.  And I still am sorry.