Wednesday, August 15, 2012


Note:  This is an incredibly shallow and unsatisfactory account of the true extent of the mentioned events, emotions, and intentions stated in this following blog.

Did you know that I have aspirations to start an artists' studio?  It should come as no real surprise.  However, there are a lot of people who speak of such things and the words never become anything more than just deluded fantasy.  So, I try my best to reserve my offense when someone is weary of my current position.

From an outsider's perspective, I am a hopeless dreamer.  Seemingly aimless and careless about my "plans" and probably even some of my relationships.  I will not apologize for this.  My methods are unconvential and trust me, I am far too self-aware to realize the difficulties I face because of this.  I know exactly what I am doing and I work toward this goal everyday that I'm not putting up with the ceaseless flow of tumultuous bullshit that can be my life at times.

Sometimes I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that when my very demanding and expansive social life and those involved won't understand my perspective.  Who has a life like mine?  I wouldn't be too keen on believing it myself.  But I kid you not, currently, I am in a hotel because it rained.

Allow me to explain...

So, my beautiful apartment that I have spent about 10 months living in, 6 of which, I had nothing save my air mattress, some clothes, a few sketchbooks, and my computer, had its ceiling completely destroyed.  I moved 1000 miles away from everyone, everything I have ever known with about $300 and two cars.  I fought my ass off for this place, pooling every resource and trick I could muster.  Well, here I am, not even a full year into my lease and I was given 3 hours notice that I have to move.  Now.

Now, the apartment complex I live in is attempting to pacify us by moving our things into another one of their apartments... but needless to say, I'm just not happy.

I won't try to fool anyone (although I really do not want any sympathy), it has not been easy.  I have been dragging my feet to get a "real job" because quite frankly, I have issues dealing with "real people."  I also get enough commission work to justify being the "hopeless dreamer" that I know people who don't know any better probably perceive me.  The positive result, I have written a novel and it's good.  Just ask someone who's read any part of it.  I have a fan club already, so I don't hesitate to announce these things.  The fruits of that 6 years of hard labor are still quite a distance from me, but it's well worth the wait.

I persevere.  I have reached out to accomplish more than any of my peers.  I sought to a project that was well over a year's worth of planning and seven months of hard, executed labor.  I spent six years saying I would write a novel, and I did.  I said I would marry that 15 year old boy when I was but 15 myself because I knew better than anyone what to do with my own life.  I married that boy by the way. Nine years we'll be together this October.  I said I would travel too.  I have been more places than I care to list because this isn't about making people feel less "Worldly" than me... because that would probably be the effect.

I don't have any money (and I never have).  We live paycheck to paycheck.  As a result, we have made sacrifices.  This is why I don't have internet.  This is why I can't just go to any convention that floats my whimsy.  Even when it comes to purchasing the supplies needed for any of my commissions, I require 20% down because otherwise I wouldn't have the funds to start the project myself.  So, my personal projects suffer, even though I only say this because I overextend myself to create far more during any given time than I really should.

This may sound horrifying to some, but this experience has been essential to me.  I'm actually overall very happy and satisfied with the direction my life is headed.  Everything is still following the master plan even with the many obstacles I have encountered.  There has been huge progress toward that initial goal (which will be so much more in the end) of starting up this studio.  I have one contributor who dropped everything in his life because he knows what I'm capable of to pursue this dream with me.  I have a few others pending and 2 more confirmed and on their way. 1 group of the two will actually be joining me in my quest in the matter of days.

So many people believe in this and I do as well.  How can it fail?  We're all too damn stubborn.  But believe me... I"m always speaking in tongues.  There is so much more to this than meets the eye.  "I see all and say nothing."