So, Kaiser studios has officially taken flight. Even though in theory, it has existed for a little while now, there is an actual physical space in which it inhabits now.
In light of this event, I feel it worthy of acknowledging it as the beginning of a new chapter. So many happenings have unraveled in the past 9 or so months (really since I moved) that I would have never dreamed or anticipated. I'll be honest, it's been hell but it seems just to have been the right amount of burn that we could tolerate just barely and that we could recover from, eventually.
I know I feel like I'm officially walking out of the flames. My perspective on nearly everything has changed. We have sacrificed and worked to the point that you think you just can't do it anymore, and then you have to give everything you've already given and then some only to see no end in sight. That's the best way I can describe what life has been like for me.
I can't tell anyone what happened, really. I'm afraid to even say that truthfully it concerns existential matters so large and heavy that they are truly out of the comprehension of anyone I could tell it to. Funny thing is, I know for certain I could have anyone believe it... because it's true. But I still can't.
Nonetheless, it's still the reason. It's the reason I never know what to talk to people about anymore. It's the reason I've exiled myself from mainstream culture, to some extent. Overall, I'm better and happier for it but what I hate are the people I love on the outskirts, the ones I desire to tell. I feel like I can't have an honest, deeper relationship with hardly anyone not in this knowing, and if I can't have an honest relationship (with the ones that count), I don't really want it. I look into the eyes of the people I love, even in my mind, and it causes me so much grief that I can't have the relationship I would even consider beneficial to myself with them.
*Sighs* Alas, it is what it is.
I'm surprised that I'm comfortable enough to say even this much but I figured at the very least I can bank on the crazy artist card. Seriously, if you think I'm full of shit or have no idea what I'm referring to, just keep it that way. I really don't mind.
I've had to accept many wrong opinions of me for doing what I know with my greater sense is for the best. I can't stand it. By nature, I despise conflict, constantly seek the affirmation of others, and wish to affirm others almost always in a positive sense. I'm really not a stone that just lets false opinions roll off my backside, although sometimes I'd give anything to be that way. It haunts me for years and I have to come to moment like this before I can honestly let it go.
A better reason has to intervene. My better reason is my kick ass future. My kick ass future with my kick ass group of artists and revolutionary thinkers. Yes, I just said revolutionary thinkers. I have witnessed no true reason why I shouldn't say this about my group of "fiends" who left everything behind to pursue a dream... with more on their way... and a 1000 good reasons why I should.
What you'll be seeing from us in the not-too-distant future is some more costumery mostly, among plushies, props, some art, and conventions. What you won't be seeing from us is everything else we've really been working on.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
It's not often I can find a breath of fresh air where my mind isn't pursuing at least five paths of thought, my heart invested in at least four of them.
On days like these, my insides feel purged by the sting of a scorpion. They burn, a slow intensifying heat, threatening to rip me in half, starting from the sternum.
I write. I speak. I paint.
People respond. They connect. They feel.
Yet what rests below is more than the sum of my parts. I say nothing in truth, yet my soul yearns to say everything.
Today, it is physically debilitating.
Tomorrow, I'll wake up and hopefully it won't hurt so much.