Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Three Days out of Two Months

Written April 27, 2012

The final sanctuary for my weary mind rests on a lined, mass-produced wonder.

This cherished object, this notebook is nothing more than a fraction of some semblance that is myself.  Some nights I feel as though it is all I maintain... a loose grasp.  Alas, I know this is not true.

I feel as though I am a trash heap.  A collection of madness, emotion, and heavily convoluted fantasy.  Yet as I breath, as I write these words, I cannot deny it.

Every hour of my consciousness I now question my sanity.  However, as a child my sights always knew of the distinction and the inevitability.

Do I speak in tongues for elusiveness?  Or do I speak in tongues to soothe my soul?  To alleviate this madness?

I write as though it mattered, as though someone where to know.  No one knows.  No one ever will.

I am nothing.  I feel to be made mockery by very own existence -neglecting that of which all surrounds me-.

Time will tell.

What if it doesn't?

Others claim to believe me; I do not believe them.

If I believed them, I would therefore believe myself.  If I were to believe it...

I am simply too overwhelmed.

God spare me some grief.  I see miracles for I search for them.

This is the root of my turmoil, the seed of my festering brain, and the dampened cloth of my despair.

There is no room to breath nor error in judgement.

Written May 3, 2012

The passion of the dragon embellished upon my soul a promise of a heavy fate.  While the stars humble my person reminding me to remained balanced and constant.  Perseverance is never effortlessly maintained and has never been more shrouded by such a suffocating veil of static.  Over half a year has passed since this leg of my journey began.

"Who am I?"

I now understand that the only answer to that question (that is an answer that would truly suffice) is certainly more than nothing  but perhaps a little less than something.

I span, perhaps not infinitely, but so wide I no longer can pretend to grasp the entirety of this chasm.

I do know that I am a servant to an end and I always have been.  Without a say in the matter is going too far, but I take my position with great honor and responsibility.

Where I've been in this life hardly seems of consequence but I am most appreciative of the blessing regardless and acknowledge its necessity.

I will do what needs to be done, just as I always have.

I will no longer fear my future.  I will no longer doubt my past.

Can you feel it?  I have returned.
-----------------Part 2 (same day)

Emotionally drained, I essentially spent the past seven months in profound isolation.  Discovering the true extent of my person's real need of the significant interactions of others, I had to learn to depend only upon myself when all was said and done.

Physically depleted, I "ironically" find myself ill in the last four days before the next chapter began.

Spiritually reawakened-a soul in the likeness to my own takes tremendous resources to call to attention, as I discovered.

I went through a horrible bought of depression that led me to the beginnings of ------------------------, something I thought that I would ------------------.

I had redefined every relationship I had ever had.

I had attempted to complete my novel after following a peacock down a dirt path.  I had thought my "great journey" would lead me to finally conclude the six year project, but led me to so much more.

For the first time, I had sincerely questioned my sanity, not only once but every minute there-after.

I had discovered one of the greatest navigational tools to the formula that is mankind and brought this invaluable information to those that would receive it.

I had acquired the ability to play a song so beautiful it brought myself and my lover to tears.

I had gained a level of intimacy and love with those who mattered most even beyond the depths of my initial perception.

I had lived in a state of poverty that had me wondering if I would eat that given evening (I didn't mind).  Most of the duration, I had virtually nothing material.

It was the hardest thing I had experienced up until that point.

I have never been more thankful.  I have counted every blessing I have not missed.

I found myself.

Written Wednesday May 16, 2012 at 4 a.m.
(The only journal I intended to be read by others.)

I find I can no longer quiet my mind.  Marginal attempts to contact my favourites have failed, to no shock.

When I had originally set my sights on abandoning all means of my virtual life, I hadn't anticipated losing the ability to do so entirely.  But it happened.

Must anyone require a brief explanation know that I am far too impoverished and seek means of greater simplicity, despite my current aspirations.  Speaking of which, do not presume to know what those are at all.

Retrospect provided that I have not been exiled for the past two months but the entirety of the past seven.  I speak yet hardly any bare witness to my words' significance.  The gravity, the context, is always lost by some measure if not completely.  As much as I loathe it, this has been the most poignant transformation I have ever underwent.

We have only reached the gilded gates of truth.  Discovering the crack in the doors was only the genesis of this descent into... something.
                                                                Oh, what to even call it.

How have I been?

I wish I could tell you all.

I wish I could sing from the rooftops (perhaps I will, but will it be heard?) detailing what I have seen, where I have been.  Although, I cannot.

My news is nothing short of outstanding, fascinating, and exceptionally detailed.  I would give so much to have it be heard and received as I would like, but no.  I am sorry.

Needless to say, I am well.  Very well, actually.  Even though the entirety of this journey has left me feeling somewhat like a bruised peach in a burlap sack of potatoes, I am eternally grateful for it.

Life scares me shitless sometimes but I have never been more enthralled to breathe it in.

There are no more questions, concerns, and most importantly, doubts in all that I have come to understand.  I wish I could describe to you all what that feels like but even my words would always fall short of the collective's (although regrettably sympathetic) ignorance.  It is impossible.

So I suppose the final inquiry that stands could be, "When will you return?"  In which the only response I could give, "When God inspires the selfish hearts of men to provide me with reasonable internet rates."

Until that day arrives, I did want to remark that I miss you all dearly.  Honestly, I really do.  I hope you can take a small bit of pleasure in knowing that my absence was one of the best things I think I have ever done for myself.

Thank you.

Please love me when I am gone just as in my absence, I do the same for all of you.

<3 Kaiser