Sunday, January 30, 2011


Yeah, this is a dump... but it should be interesting, nonetheless...
The other video is at the bottom, just to mix things up...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

F.I. 2 FA

That stands for "Fuck it 'till Florida!"

It was a conclusion that Nathan and I came to last night.  Every night, I go to bed (early mind you, sometimes as early as 12:30!), completely exhausted of all my reserves.  I've been putting all of my time into my installation and I've been trying to throw in exercising and eating well in between it all.  It's just not happening.  I think as far as eating well is concerned, I've never been too far off the ticket anyway, and I consistently improve.  I'll continue to do so, but as far as exercising is concerned... unless I want to be exercising with no energy at 11:30 at night, it's not going to happen.  So fuck it.  I'll take care of it once my life slows down a little bit.

It's not like this is a big deal or anything.  I'm only preparing to graduate from college.  Pfft! That happens to me all the time!  Like I just graduated from college last week!
Besides, it was all for vanity anyway, and mostly so I could make  even more of a convincing "boy" when I so pleased.

Yeah, I'm tired.

Last night while I was working in metals, my hands cramped up really bad and my left wrist hurt extremely bad... you know where that whole carpel tunnel is... yeah... I just keep thinking it's only a matter of time for me... with how much I use my hands n all... OH THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Feeling kind of odd.  That could be due to the lack of the energy restorative process, known to some as "sleep."

This weekend is Ohayocon.  I'm excited, but it's just going to deplete me even more so.  Conventions really know how to knock it out of ya.  But hey...

Just sayin'...

As far as my installation is concerned, I feel like I've made some decent progress. I only have one picture for the moment (because most of it has been construction of the structure itself).  The floor is finished (other than the embellishment, and most of the canvas stretchers have been completed.  They'll probably be done completely tomorrow, meaning that the room is completed as far as an enclosed structure is concerned.
I've been painting of course... but like I said, no pictures of that yet.
All that done in the last few days, but I'm still freakin'... I have less than a month left!!
Here's my pic.  I installed a car mirror on my toilet, courtesy of Rob ;)

Oh yeah, and I dyed my hair... again...

Monday, January 24, 2011

I'm not hiding.

I'm not usually involved with or engaged in these sort of things, being as though, overall it's petty and quite frankly a waste of my valuable time.
However, in this particular instance, I will post one refutation... mostly because it amuses me.  The rest will come all on its own.
Hey, pixie, dumb fuck... yeah, thanks for reading my blog.   I won't hide the fact that I read yours on occasion.  It's like looking at LOLcats or FAILblog or amusing and a passing thought at best.  So again, I thank you for attempting to read my own.  I hope it gets under your skin.  Why am I doing this?  I have my protective nature, of course, but mostly because you represent a type of person that I CANNOT stand.  An infection... a puss filled, un-aware parasite who contributes to the planet only by adding to its waste.  There really should be an IQ test for parents honestly, and if one doesn't meet the requirements, they should be spayed or neutered.  But who knows, great people can rise from the most unlikely of places.
Don't get me wrong, I actually don't know you.  As long as you are kind and good to your loved ones, I have no outstanding "beef" with you.  Sometimes stupid people can be the best people, so perhaps I was a little out of line with what I have stated above this.

I just want to let you know, that I'm overgeneralizing, using you as my example.  And because I care, I would like to explain, that I'm sorry sweetie, you're not an artist because I have had the misfortune of seeing your work and you suck.  If everyone who doodled something occasionally could be considered an "artist" then there would be no reason to call anyone an artist.  I tried to explain that last time, but perhaps I was speaking too ambiguously, my apologies dear.  Oh, and the same thing goes for your writing.  You need to be proficient at something in order to proudly consider it a vital part of your personal identity, otherwise you're just making fun of yourself.  I'm saying this for your own good.

Talented people such as myself find it a little offensive that you would sling around the term so loosely.  So, I just wanted to let you know because other people may not be as considerate as myself.  But by all means, I encourage and support your endeavors to better yourself and your aspirations to become a writer/author... what have you.  That certainly won't hurt anything...

Just don't call yourself a Doctor before you get that PhD... other people may not appreciate that.  You could hurt someone really.  Blessings in your endeavors.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Borderline Issues

So, for as far as my progress goes this week, I've had to deal with terrible migraines and crippling ankle pain... so inevitably, that left me with time to think.  Too much time probably.
That time left me with the conclusion that I have no idea what I think about my body.  There's one side that's the experience of my body and the other is the persona or the superficial vibe.  And I just don't know.
I like my body as far as I'm concerned.  But then, when I want to portray myself in a certain way, that's when I don't like it.
Both are of equal value to me to be honest.  That may come as a surprise.
I'm the same. 159.  That's okay for now I suppose.  Although I find myself just not wanting to eat hardly anything but then that idea makes me want to... see where I have borderline serious issues?
Me of all fucking people.
And it's not even about what other people think at all.  Not even kidding.

I hate waking up.  I hate for the happiness to be over, and I hate walking in this cold.

Well, let's see what happens.  I don't think I even know... or maybe that's my way of not wanting to come out and say what my intentions are.

Installation has moved a bit.  I'll post pictures as soon as I get them.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Feeling Gay

So, I dunno, in case you guys haven't noticed... I'm odd.  Of course I mean that in the best possible sense, as in "out of the norm," "simply different than others," "off the beaten path."  I say this and so frequently do people sympathetically seem to respond with, "Oh... no you're not!"
They really want convince me that I'm not a bad person.
But I never said I was a bad person... I was just merely stating that there is an observable and distinct difference between me and a vast majority of people I encounter.  Sometimes it's a little isolating... sometimes, it's very much so... but I wouldn't change it.  That's why I haven't, right?  Not all of us have the willpower to change certain aspects of our lives that we dislike, but often in those circumstances we go with what's easier, the path of least resistance, rather.

Well, trust me, it's not easier to be like me.  I've been in "blend" mode before (immediately bows head and walks into a crowd of monks) and people admired me.  I was just "different enough."  Pretty, with long, blond hair.  Witty, but I didn't exert it too often.  I wore feminine clothing and painted ideals of beauty... none of this disgusting nonsensical bullshit I'm doing now.

I noticed some big changes in the way people interacted with me once I "came out."  Yes, I really do feel it was something like that... and honestly, I'm not even all the way out yet.  There are so many things that I've been trying to accept about myself, let alone feel comfortable enough to express it in public.  I don't necessarily want to push everything down people's throats, but I can't stand not expressing myself honestly.

Cutting my hair.  That was amusing.  People have treated me different ever since.  I don't like it, really.  Why am I suddenly less approachable?  Even if it was association of some sort of homophobic avoidance, I'm married... to a man (not that I care that he's a man to be honest... it honestly was just socially convenient for the both of us that we loved one another.)

I didn't cut my hair to look like a man.  And I don't think I do look like a man, I don't think most people think that... but even if I did look like a man, I still wouldn't care.  I spend half of my life as one.  I don't think I really even express that to my closest friends to the full extent that that goes... and I've NEVER expressed that to my family.

Gender is a state of mind.  Some labels we cannot avoid.  I paint, therefore, I am a painter.  But being a "boy" a "man" that's a set of generalized qualities that form an idea of how the male SEX is expected to behave.  Which, is a whole other can of worms that I find so tragically sad... on both sides.  The limitations we put on ourselves just because of our chromosomes, something we cannot help... our private parts.  How ridiculous!  I wonder what religious conservatives think about people who are born with neither or BOTH even?

Anyway, without getting too deep into a VERY loaded topic, I would like to state that on the few rare instances I have went into public as a "man" I much preferred the way people took to my person.  On one side, I throughly enjoyed it, knowing that I actually am funny, witty, charismatic, and on certain levels egotistically irresistible... but these traits on a woman... name one that possesses these qualities that people admire without at least an equal amount of scrutiny (without bending those traits too much... you know what I'm implying when I state that, so let's not get cheeky).  I don't care that I have boobs on my chest, and I don't particularly want a penis either (but even if I did... why do people care?), I just want to be myself.

Sometimes, I want to wear gorgeous dresses, and other times I want to wear blazers and ties.

Honestly, I go back and forth on this question a lot, but if I could chose my sex, what would I chose.  I would say 55% of the time, I say male... the other 45% female.

That may surprise some of you, and it may not... For those of you who admire me for being a woman in the sense you think they should be, by all means, continue doing so.  But I would much prefer if I were just admired for the person that I was, void of my gender.

I think in the end, all we really want is to be accepted for who we are, and being liked for it is even better.  When I'm a "guy" I feel better.  Like I stated earlier, I enjoy the way others respond to me.  I just wish my appearance had nothing to do with that.

True, shared love crosses territories as if they didn't exist.  It expresses itself freely and has a life of its own as an entirely separate being.  I believe that what most of the Western world refer to as God, delivers us people in our lives as messengers of His love, and in many forms.  It exists on many levels from the casual friend to the intimate lover and even self love and confidence.  I believe we awaken to this realization once we encounter and embrace the higher tiers of love, there is no other explanation.

It saddens me to think that others would damn others to hell because of something as pure, and profound as love.

And this is coming from a person in a heterosexual marriage and catholic raised.

With that said, though... my relationship, although on surface appears "straight" it is far, far from it... and if it's not straight, it must be queer.  So that says it... guess what world.  I'm gay.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

This song just fits everything right now...

I love these guys so much...

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself
It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins
And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears...

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the lyrics, not so much... just a few key lines and more the essence of the song than anything else.  But at any rate, the lyrics are awesome, that's why I added them.  I hope you liked!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I'm going to die...

February 25... it has to be done... God save me.


So this first week has been... rough...
It started out great.  I had my goals, I wrote them all down.  At first I did really well.  I woke up when I was suppose to, went to bed when I was suppose to, read what I was suppose to, worked out when I was suppose to, managed to do all of my assignments right after I received them... I was feeling pretty good.  Confident.  For the first time in my adult life, I was going to adhere to a routine, and not only follow one, but enjoy it too... benefit from it.
The end of the week could have potentially destroyed that.  In case you didn't notice I didn't post my progress on Friday like I absolutely insisted that I would... I hate that, but instead, I will be posting it today.  As the week went on, the workouts became harder and my ability to gather materials needed for my installation proved fruitless... kind of hard to do until your refund check comes in.  I simply set my sights too high.  That's okay. I accomplished a lot anyway, and that's something to be proud of.  I will continue to try and maintain what I have set out for myself as best as I can.
And yesterday, as I was trying to pick up the pieces, something exploded in my face (not literally of course...) but it immobilized me for the rest of the day.  I did nothing but feel like a piece of shit to be honest.  It was devastating, and now as I am recovering, it's a little slow going, but I'm doing my best to move forward...

First things first, progress on my installation.  I did nothing.  I had no money therefore no materials... so here's where I left off...

So, this isn't how it's going to be lit at all, but yeah, that's where it's at.  I have a lot of work to do before March.  Oh my... I don't even want to think about.  But anyway, I'll be posting more pictures this next Friday of the work I got done... unless I do a lot of work over the weekend... then you just may see it on Monday or something.

Anywhoo, as far as the weight loss thing goes, even though I struggled at the end of week, apparently my efforts were not in vain.  I've lost 2 lbs. I am now 159.  
Kaiser signing off, reminding you to not drink and drive...