Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Human Flower

Such fragile, poor spirits.
Perfected standardized methods of protection,
for their foolish, misguided hearts.

All the passion in the world
For themselves
And not much else.

Blot out the sun,
They grow so tall
So nothing else may grow.
All because they are cowards.

It is difficult to maintain sympathy
When there is so much pity.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Oh, midsummer...

So, I've been 25 for a few weeks now and what a different vantage point I now posses... Is there something "magical" about the age that immediately transforms someone at that very minute they have officially danced 25 trips around the sun?  Not for everyone ;)

Stating what I've learned specifically or even how I've changed takes context so grand it's why I don't bother explaining too much in my life anymore.  I now contend with my person being so over-encompassing, choosing what I put out for the public is, out of necessity, far more of a refined artform.  For the past 2 years as I've honestly come to terms with my person (formulating my own work habits, how I'll handle a mass amount of long distance relationships, how I'll deal with loneliness and unfamiliarity, etc.) this has been a source of great anxiety for me.  It's driven me to isolationist behavior that I would have never imagined possible within the perimeters of my person.

I struggled with the strangest form of pride in that time.  It took me forever to even identify that I was embarrassed of my own retreat from the world because I never viewed myself as a weak person and initially saw my hermit-like tendencies as of course, weakness.  But then I woke up and realized it's okay to need time to yourself and if people cannot be understanding or sympathetic to that, they shouldn't be your friends... All things of course are relative.

I've stated this many times in many ways but stating I'm grateful for the experience, albeit, beyond difficult, sanity breaching, and still massively depressing at times.  I wish I could tell you what I know, but I've been saying that my whole life... now that I've officially concluded that I cannot (also not new), I won't mention that I know all kinds of crazy cosmic stuff that would change your view on everything... if it didn't drive you mad first... ever again.  Sort of like when I said I wasn't going to show my artwork anymore...

If you know where to follow me, you're lucky... or a pain in my ass.

At any rate, it's no reflection on how I feel about anyone.  My sentiments rarely diminish.

What I do know is: overall, I detest participating in the break-neck social monstrosity that is viral social networking... any kind... I'm not discriminate... just like not being a racist, I hate all social networking equally. I have confidence that the stress it causes will persuade many to abandon it like beanie babies all in a matter of time... if not, the human race's destiny was predicted by Pixar, and I will have no part in it anyway. (Wall-E people).  So for as many times as I've said it, in the number of ways that I have: no, I will not get on Tumblr.  No, I do not have a Twitter.  I have a facebook and a deviantart and I honestly don't even want those.

I'm an artist.  We live to live outside the social norm.  Deal with it.  I only intend on getting more irritating.

What I also know is that I love wholly and I will not let the superficiality of the internet destroy what my internetless upbringing taught me about what matters most in relationships.  I want to hear about your life with the words coming out of your mouth, with your expressions, your hand gestures.  I want to see your art in person and know that you are real.  I don't want shallow pats on the back and typed phrasings of affirmation.  I can't sit long enough for skype conversation most days and too many people want my phone number.  This is me and I'm sure in due time it will pay to remain consistent and true.  It has yet to fail me.

I bring this up so often, it honestly sickens me that it's on this blog when I consider my initial intentions with it...  but there's a good reason for it.  I care about people, a lot...

...But given any other time in history, I would only be happily received upon any form of contact after a long period of time, not drilled for why it has been so long or abandoned by people who would follow "quicker fancies."

In an age of instant gratification, saying it's difficult to compete with the current of life no matter how genuine or complex you are is a grotesque understatement.

Being that I care, a lot, I will continue to the best that I can to keep connected and participate in the best way I can tolerate.  But shit, I'm 25 and my life is picking up.  I'd rather live outside.

However, to avoid sounding completely ungrateful I had an amazing birthday due to so many.


This is a cute and hilarious video that cannot be forgotten.  Feeling so distant and detached from everyone for so long, this was one the best gifts I could have received.  Yes, I cried.

As for the general commentary of my birthday adventure (as it really has consumed most of the month) is that it was much needed.  Hearing that people think that I deserve it, was extremely empowering and encouraged me to enjoy it to the fullest.  I backpacked 16 miles, saw flying squirrels, heard wolves howl at dusk and dawn, touched stingrays and sharks, perused beautiful gardens, pet Koi fish, and swam in a natural spring.

Since, I've taken an exceptional effort to try and relax, which I'm not the best at, but with 3 days left, I can't push it any further.  I'm feeling much more positive these days.  I've got some good herbs in my system, a healthy, vitalizing diet that I've come by naturally, a body I'm finally happy with, constant amazing weather, a now impenetrable posse, Mr. Moose, work, a perfect partner, and we'll be moving hopefully soon to a place with a backyard.  Once I have backyard, all will be right with the world.  The golden generator will go into overdrive.  Gotta turn those engines on slowly...