Sunday, February 26, 2012

My personal take..

On something that most people would find...

Inconsequential?  Silly?  Maybe?  It's hard to find the right word for it.

As many of you are well-aware, I attach myself to some odd things pretty strongly.  I know that sometimes my "connections" to things exceeds the comprehension of onlookers, increasingly so depending on their distance from what I consider the orbit of electrons in my life.  I don't feel it's commentary on anyone's ability to understand, or even a remark on their intelligence or insight.

Very rarely, do I feel the overwhelming urge to explain these "obsessions" if you will.  Bare with me, if you would... but consider this:

When hearing "obsession," what comes to mind?  Obsession is really a rather broad term, which I hadn't actually thought about before until recently.  No wonder I feel like I haven't been able to properly explain my attachment to certain characters, ideas... etc.  I believe, or suspect anyway, it would seem that the most common connotation for the word often implies a certain nonsensical and excessive fixation on something that either does nothing for the "obsessee"  (other than the "enjoyment" they receive), or very well could be a negative influence.  Causing them emotional distress over a delusion that actually affects their judgement to varying degrees.

However, what I've often observed not only in myself, but mostly through others, is a connection that they themselves cannot understand.  Maybe that's why people who do become obsessed with things become obsessed to begin with.  That lack of understanding to their own fixation only encourages it to exist to begin with.  We're allured by mystery and from my personal standpoint, most of us are "obsessed" with trying to make sense out of the world we live in and our place in that world.  So naturally, that would extend to the very progress of mankind to our very specific, personal mysteries.

That all being said, the only difference between me and a lot of people who are "scary" with their obsessions (admits to not actually knowing which category (I) fall under... -omission of my own naivete, perhaps) is where I end up in the long run.  I don't let go until I understand it.  I'm not saying no one else does this, in fact I can think of several who are probably enthusiastically open to admitting they're the same way in many respects, but often I observe that people want to understand, they just lack the tools in order to do so.  The obsession eventually falls off the grid and they move on to something else.  I feel bad for them.

That passion, when not communicated in an effort the person in question sees fit, eats at them.  I think to some degree, depending on how much an obsession fails to provide personal insight, the more it damages a person, unknowingly.  Even worse sometimes, when a person has "given up" on something they're obsessed with and in turn rejects it from that moment forward, due to their seeming inexplicable frustrations, is left actually a little more crippled in their own self-awareness then what they were before even discovering the obsession to begin with. This can of course be addressed (most of the time subconsciously) in the future, but generally it's with something else entirely.  The old thought/love, if you will, is lost and just as arbitrary as ever.

This happens to everyone, really.  We can't always understand everything.  Stating it so simply actually should make every one of us comforted.  "It happens."  Sometimes we're fortunate enough to revisit an old love that we never had quite figured out at the time, only in turn to learn so much about ourselves.  I love it when life comes full-circle.

So, for me, as a notably obsessive individual, I feel an outstanding need to express something I've been trying to express in numerous ways for quite some time now.  Due to the lack of specific and desired feedback that I've been reaching for, I consider it partially a failure on my behalf to communicate this idea effectively.  

I'm going to put myself on a limb here.  I'm going to explain something (or at least attempt to) to the full extent that I possibly can (and as concisely as I can too).  

First, I'll bluntly state, I know some of my closest electrons (I say that most endearingly... we're all the the centers of our own universes) do get it.  They get it a lot.  It resonates with them exactly as I hoped it would.  Some of the others, I know it hasn't.  It's all in the reaction.  That's okay too.  There are too many factors to list as to why I feel that is.

The reason I first introduced the Myers-Briggs personality test to my friends most specifically was because I wanted them to first and foremost to have a better understanding of themselves, but not only that, but also hopefully a bit of appreciation.  Honestly, I know my efforts there were successful, as far as I can perceive anyway.  That's the easiest way to appeal an idea to someone... make it about them.  I promise, this isn't as evil as it may sound... but it's just the way we all work.  You want me to watch/read/get into something?  Appeal to my vanities.  It's what we do.  It's actually really funny how predictable all of us are.

The second reason was because I wanted them to understand me better, thus us better.  I wanted to inspire conversation, thought.  This is the area where I know I've failed simply because I haven't had these conversations.  It deeply disappoints me, but not in the individuals themselves (okay, sometimes a little bit) but just in general.  We just don't think about that kind of stuff sometimes.  We get so preoccupied with the BS of our lives that we forget.  I'm certain if we could romp around in meadows all day and sip tea as we watched the sun set together, these conversations probably would have happened, and not provoked entirely by myself.

So I implemented a new strategy...

When I watched this show through for the second time (which is significant to state), I felt that it was the summation, the "cherry on top," to everything I had learned through the Myers-Briggs personality assessments and overall learning I had obsessively researched about the inner workings of the brain.  It just so happened to be too perfect, which is really why I pushed it on everyone so vigilantly.  Why?? Because I'm this guy:

Even though at first, I only kind of saw it... and even though in some ways, I kind of hate it.  We're too similar (minus the life circumstances, naturally).  At first, I didn't even recognize that I am in fact, equally as absurd... among other perhaps more notable points.  I'll get back to this momentarily.

But in truth, it was about assessing the workings of the social group as a whole that helped me to see the bigger picture.  The knowledge I obtained from such an obscure source re-sparked a lot of passion in me.  I reacquainted myself with my truest priorities and intentions, and tell me this my friends:  How could that possibly be a bad thing?

What I became more fully aware of was how the Japanese really do put a lot of thought into their storytelling.  There was so much symbolism in that show that any literary/art nut would have enough to analyze for a satisfying amount of time.  That's what helped me realize initially how much thought went into it.  When I realized why it is that we respond the way we do because of how our brains are literally wired, it's no wonder we can identify so strongly with these characters.

Considering the creators thought into just the visual symbolism (that ranges from incredibly obvious to the extremely subtle), it wasn't difficult for me to make the leap between typology and the individual characters.  Equating them, almost effortlessly, to the people closest to me brought to my attention how true the characters stay to their types.  That's kind of the whole point to the show anyway, when you really think about it.  

Being so far away from everyone that has been apart of my entire life experience to date, it enhanced my appreciation for my closest friends, current or otherwise.  It's not that we're a tight-knit bunch of friends, or even that I'm the scarily similar "daddy" of our ganglion of friends, it's that we really do fit these characters to a science... literally science.  How neat is that?  That's pretty neat.

I would like to conclude this by saying, I really love you guys.  That's why I wanted you to watch that show. I just want you to understand, if anything, how much I love you.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Bad Break-Ups

I've broken up with more than a several people in my young life, yet, ironically... I've only dated my husband.

That sounds awfully wrong, doesn't it?
Not only by moral standards but just by my own proven-true character.

Allow me to explain...

I've had some really, uniquely in-depth relationships with all sorts of people, from all walks of life.  I'm only 23. It's so interesting how many people tell me that I know them best or that I'm the only person they feel like they can talk to.  I bare the title of "best friend" to 9 confessed individuals.  As honored as I feel, as blessed as I feel, I hardly feel like I deserve it.  How could I possibly exert that much energy to that many people.  In many cases, I hardly think it's fair when I can't say the same in return.  That title is reserved for very, very few.

I've always held guilt over it.  I copped out on a person I have always truly cared about being in their wedding because I hardly felt I deserved that honor.  I didn't feel I could be there for them in the way that they needed so I thought it would hurt them less if I said "no." I then, consciously/sub-consciously pushed them out of my life because I couldn't tell them that as willing as they would be to forgive me, I knew I could never be there for them in the way that they truly needed.  I felt it un-true and they deserved better.

I felt that way about my sister for a long time.

I over-extend myself to this insane level.  It's the reason why I'm so tired but I can't sleep.  Why I write, paint, obsess... distract myself from trying to help and fix everyone.

I've had results.  People say people don't change.  I know for a fact that they do.  I can see souls, I swear to you.  It's why I'm here.  It's overwhelming, exhausting.  It's exhilarating, enlightening.  I am all-powerful and most vulnerable.

I realized today that all of my serious friendships (I mean, I considered you a "best friend" in return) I've had in the past ascend past a level that even many romantic pursuits don't reach... sometimes in complexity, but always in understanding.  It's kind of a curse/blessing sort of thing I've concluded.

I had a point...


I never left a relationship for me.  My breaking point was always when I saw an exceptional red flag that warned me, "If you try to fix this problem, you will only make it worse."  To those of you who have held special places in my heart, you know how honest I am.  That's always when I step away.  I hate it.  I never want to "give up" on anyone, but it always ends up working out for them, for the better it seems.

Is it because I'm toxic?  Sort of...

I have no idea how to explain this now without sounding ignorantly-altruistic...

How about I don't?  To quote a brilliant scholar:

those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind…

I quote that specifically as one of my besties loves that line and reminds me of it unknowingly all the time. 

I'm not claiming to be "the perfect mate" for everyone/anyone or anything like that.  Like the quote suggests, to those of you who matter, you know what I'm referring to.  To those of you with no clue, GTFO.

Yeah, I flipped it for the sake of hilarity.  Don't be vindictive, those of you who don't matter. ^_^

But even to those of you that I have parted ways with, the ones I did indeed share a special connection with, as there are many, know that I love and care about you and am so happy to see you all doing so well.