Friday, February 3, 2012

Bad Break-Ups

I've broken up with more than a several people in my young life, yet, ironically... I've only dated my husband.

That sounds awfully wrong, doesn't it?
Not only by moral standards but just by my own proven-true character.

Allow me to explain...

I've had some really, uniquely in-depth relationships with all sorts of people, from all walks of life.  I'm only 23. It's so interesting how many people tell me that I know them best or that I'm the only person they feel like they can talk to.  I bare the title of "best friend" to 9 confessed individuals.  As honored as I feel, as blessed as I feel, I hardly feel like I deserve it.  How could I possibly exert that much energy to that many people.  In many cases, I hardly think it's fair when I can't say the same in return.  That title is reserved for very, very few.

I've always held guilt over it.  I copped out on a person I have always truly cared about being in their wedding because I hardly felt I deserved that honor.  I didn't feel I could be there for them in the way that they needed so I thought it would hurt them less if I said "no." I then, consciously/sub-consciously pushed them out of my life because I couldn't tell them that as willing as they would be to forgive me, I knew I could never be there for them in the way that they truly needed.  I felt it un-true and they deserved better.

I felt that way about my sister for a long time.

I over-extend myself to this insane level.  It's the reason why I'm so tired but I can't sleep.  Why I write, paint, obsess... distract myself from trying to help and fix everyone.

I've had results.  People say people don't change.  I know for a fact that they do.  I can see souls, I swear to you.  It's why I'm here.  It's overwhelming, exhausting.  It's exhilarating, enlightening.  I am all-powerful and most vulnerable.

I realized today that all of my serious friendships (I mean, I considered you a "best friend" in return) I've had in the past ascend past a level that even many romantic pursuits don't reach... sometimes in complexity, but always in understanding.  It's kind of a curse/blessing sort of thing I've concluded.

I had a point...

*sighs*

I never left a relationship for me.  My breaking point was always when I saw an exceptional red flag that warned me, "If you try to fix this problem, you will only make it worse."  To those of you who have held special places in my heart, you know how honest I am.  That's always when I step away.  I hate it.  I never want to "give up" on anyone, but it always ends up working out for them, for the better it seems.

Is it because I'm toxic?  Sort of...

I have no idea how to explain this now without sounding ignorantly-altruistic...

How about I don't?  To quote a brilliant scholar:


those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind…

I quote that specifically as one of my besties loves that line and reminds me of it unknowingly all the time. 

I'm not claiming to be "the perfect mate" for everyone/anyone or anything like that.  Like the quote suggests, to those of you who matter, you know what I'm referring to.  To those of you with no clue, GTFO.

Yeah, I flipped it for the sake of hilarity.  Don't be vindictive, those of you who don't matter. ^_^

But even to those of you that I have parted ways with, the ones I did indeed share a special connection with, as there are many, know that I love and care about you and am so happy to see you all doing so well.  

1 comment:

  1. I had several bad friend breakups on Guam that I have struggled to come to terms with for a while now. It still makes me very sad that no other outcome can be reached, but as you said there are red flags you can't ignore. There's a point where I realized I couldn't change these people. They had good qualities, but those did not excuse their atrocious behavior. I have come to peace with it however, by realizing that I have amazing people in my life who have moved beyond what those lackwits could ever attain. Like you :) Thank you for your support! I love you and I'm so glad you're in my life.

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