Saturday, December 31, 2011

What it's like

Right now I'm pissed off... I'm really pissed off.  Do you want to know why?  Because the answer is simple, initially... I'm lonely.  I'm sure plenty of more complicated people would understand.  To the simpler ones, I often wished I were you.  Allow me to explain why...

First and foremost the notion of being upset about this... makes me angry.  It's not really an ACTUAL problem.   I could be starving, I could have severed my femoral artery, or I could very well be on fire... but I'm not...

Interestingly enough, those descriptions could be used best to describe what's going on in my brain at most times during my misery days.

Lots of people feel lonely... but not like I do.  And you know what... you can go ahead and say that you understand, that you relate... I'll give you that... but trust me, I could see it in your eyes if you knew.  No one knows.  I've known that my whole life... not at least from anyone I've encountered and spent semi-significant time with.  I have science on my side now to prove to you that this statement is sound.  If that's not good enough for you, take it up with religion.   And in case you are completely clueless as to what I'm implying, either   really read up on my previous blog or just go away.  Don't make my pain worse, please, I beg of you.

I've learned a lot about myself recently.  Saying that... *sighs* man... I wish I could tell you, but at the very least, for those of you who talk to me on a regular basis... the way I even communicate, I feel, has changed fairly drastically over the course of the last few months.  I would think, it actually may be rather difficult  NOT to notice.

What I've learned, especially recently, seems to be the last piece to the puzzle.  The finish on the summation, rather.

In some ways, it makes things so exciting.  I feel like I can do anything!  Simultaneously, I've been given a tool.  This tool gave me one very important foundation.  It has taught me that I do in fact, know what I know.  At the same time it really frustrates me because being so (as what I percieve) easily labeled and pinned down to a science (quite literally) irritates me (as it states is typical of my personality) which in turn, only intrigues and excites me more.

I wish you understood.  I wish you all took the time to understand.  It's all I've ever wanted.  And I know no one is ever going to get there, but I wish I could express how much the effort means to me.  I read about everyone.  I want to know about you.  I care about you.  I pour my heart an soul into you.

I don't expect people to be like me.  I don't even expect to receive what I give.  But surely, that being said, you can understand.

And so I'm pissed off.  Actually now, I'm just frustrated.  I've really talked my way out of it.  I love people too much to hate them.  But do you know what I mean? What I'm saying?

For the first time in my life, I realize... truly... what it means to be me.  It really sucks when that means so much to you and you want to share that, but some of the people closest to you in your life can't even see past themselves, let alone their problems to even begin to want to understand what that means.  It hurts.

Thus the story of my life.  It is why I am so moody. It is why I overwhelm the piss out of you... and yes, it's why I'm smarter than you... more than likely.

I don't even like to admit that last part, because I feel it doesn't even matter... but it's true and people need to accept the truth... so maybe I'll feel less angry for a second or two.

I'm so very lonely.

And to always lighten the mood... someone saved my sanity with this today...
If that explains anything at all...  It was so satisfying.

And on a secondary note: (as I am now writing this much later...) I've just realized that Evelyn is a manifestation of the only aspect to me that isn't extroverted... yet such a core to my person... my introverted intuition.  (You have to dig a bit deeper to really understand what that means to be honest.)  But... that's interesting.  No wonder she's always so somber in appearance.  The one thing I feel I can never express about myself is the one thing Evelyn is.  No wonder she's still my favorite.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Realizing I'm an ENFP

"What the hell is she even saying?"
A label I don't mind wearing... strangely.

I mean, it is me, right? Whatever am I ever saying, right?  (which makes this overall statement so very ironic)

But that's the fascinating thing really... that explains everything.  For the sheer sake of sounding poetic and awesome, I'm half-temped to stop... but obviously I haven't.

Perhaps I should explain how I arrived at this conclusion first...

Recently, for some reason I've been hearing a lot of buzz about this particular personality test known as the "Carl Jung and Isabel Briggs Myers typology" test... you can take it yourself here:

Generally, speaking, I'm skeptic and irritated by these sorts of things.  How can anything less than even 100 questions give you any sort of clue as to who we are as individuals?  Perhaps not with the specifics, but this test has shocked me as to how accurate it has been with everyone I know that's taken it... and that's from both of our perspectives, individually and otherwise.

On the whole, we actually can be broken down.  That fascinates me.  Truly it does.  Especially for myself.  Recently, I've been feeling exceptionally isolated (mentally) and really at a loss of what to do (it's bad enough where I've sought for ways to obtain help... get all that? It's complicated.)  So, I've been doing research.  Turns out, I am the rarest personality type also known as "ENFP" and the least defined of all 15 types.  What fascinates me was that this was able to accurately narrow down my complex, hard-to-relate to (understatement) temperament and overall general motives for everything I do in life... so concisely.  It's done that for everyone.  Gives me a greater appreciation and understanding of myself, but everyone else I interact with as well.

What I appreciated most, was that now that I know, I of course had to be the rarest personality type (as cool as that sounds...),   that there are others out there similar to me... even if it isn't many, that's a comforting feeling.  I am relate-able, definable... maybe just a little bit... and you have no idea how good that feels to be someone like me and say that.
I've never met any me's out there, but I hope when I do... they're old.  I need a good, frank talk with someone who has endured what I have most specifically.  Someone smarter than me.  I love it when I learn things from people and they were trying to teach me something.

I'm transfixed on this subject as of late, if you couldn't tell, so feel free to continue the conversation if you find interest! I would be happy to oblige, as it is in my nature.  Read about it! Tell me what you think! (This was my favorite website for descriptions)
And for a bit of humor... (yet still, remarkably and completely relevant)

On a secondary note, I've read from several, easy-to-obtain sources that only about 3-4% of the entire population is like this, and out of that, only 1 % are true ENFP.  Now you read all about them, and tell me... have you ever met anyone who fit the description better?  It blows my mind.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Here I am

All my life I've been alone, but never have I been left alone.  Loneliness I've felt as an adolescent and even younger at times, was satiated... by the comfort of my parents, the sound of my dog... the distraction of a video game or book. 

Now here I am.  Alone.  Truly.  When he is gone it is myself, the dog, and my thoughts.  Where does this leave the 23-year old version of myself?

I built myself an army to distract my brain.  I thrive on concocting a universe where I am the celebrity, the caretaker, the best friend, the divinely wise, and most admirable of the group.  It's a lot of hard work to avoid being left alone with your thoughts.

Here I am now... I'm left alone with them,  a much greater ability to articulate them and completely at square 0.  It's intense.  It's horrifying.  It's fun.  But most of all, it's lead me to truly understand, that it may be much more difficult to not feel this way for the rest of my life.
Expect great things from me.
Christine Karamol
December 19, 2011 at 2:22 AM EST
Tampa, Florida 

Merry Holidays

Friday, December 9, 2011

A brief update

Do you really want to know what's going on?

Are you sure you're ready to take in the full extent of what that entails?

If not, I'll break it to you slowly anyway.

We'll start with most basic...

1.  I've officially gone off the deep end.  I am aware of this fact making my previous statement somewhat null and void, but it serves its purpose.  Everything in my life has lead up to this moment.  What is "this moment?"  Well, allow me to put it to you this way... for the past 2.5 weeks I have been producing something non-stop.  I mean it.  I don't go to bed until about 6 am most nights and wake up around 11:30-12:00.  I hate getting up that late, but I won't go to bed any earlier.

Why has this happened?

I could give you the reasons, but it's rather lengthy.  Let me give you the abridged version.

I have no friends here in Florida.  This is not entirely true and I'm actually okay with this fact.  I've been avoiding making friends intentionally.  I'll admit it's a little daunting, but for over the past 3 years I have been looking forward to this silence.  This doesn't change my overly social nature, however.  So, even though I've needed this, I'm desperately lonely and it's making me mad.  It's probably the main reason I've been distracting myself with so much artwork.

Does this mean I want sympathy and a conversation from you?  Most likely "no."  People never listen to what I'm really saying and I'm getting sick of it.  I want to be left alone.  I'm embracing this madness, but I really hate calling it that.  I know this is beyond most people's heads (seriously, I don't care if it's arrogant... it's true) and I know that notion sounds melodramatic and attention grabbing, but I'm not that shallow.  I am completely sincere.  About saying I'm smarter overall, I think even my blog speaks volumes on my personal behalf.

Can you tell I'm sick of being nice?

RANDOM TANGENT MOMENT! (but semi-relevant)

Speaking of having enough of people's bullshit... there's this one person that drives me nuts on DA... in fact she's one of the very few that genuinely make me angry.  She said some mean, completely unnecessary words to a very close friend of mine, without actually knowing him (yes this was in person) and it's kind of branded my impression of her ever since.  She never has anything nice to say to anyone, so I posted this...

Pt. 2 (Yes, I'm being petty and vindictive in perhaps the most harmless, most respectful way...)

Just always remember, I am always capable of great evil, I'm just always too damn nice... I'm getting sick of this disposition.  This message, is not evil.  (After-blog comment: Oh and I just recently realized she's the art school brand of opinionated too... how lovely.  They wouldn't know art if it was a dump-truck that ran them over.  This is coming from someone with their BFA.)

Anyway, I see that my niceness has gotten me nowhere seemingly, as of late.  I single-handedly put more effort into my relationships than anyone else I know.  I can say that with so much confidence and not feel bad about it.  I know in some instances, some people try to call me more than I call them, or try to get things together more (actually there are only 2 like this) but my lack of response usually is just a result of making sure I will say something MUCH bigger, much more worthwhile in the longrun.  I just usually need a bit of time to think about it.  I really care that much.

Generally, this has never been an issue for me.  It comes with great benefits.  I am literally the best friend of 9 people.  At least, they've told me this.  Do you know what that feels like?  In some ways great, but admittedly in the long-term... it makes you feel like crap.  You know its impossible to return the favor to all but 1 of these right?  But I try.  It gets exhausting. I probably will never stop either.  My current anger is just a part of this... transition.  It'll pass and be replaced by loads of semi-worth it friendships.  And that my friends is NOT cynicism.

2.  For those of you who care, I am not undergoing a sex change.  A sex change would serve no purpose or functionality for anything in my life.  My gender is not the point, that's the point.

Ken Adams is not an alter-ego, he's not a temporary project.  I have committed to him and that's that.  For a while I thought about explaining it, but if you have followed this blog for the past year, 6 months... 3 months even... you should be able to get a grasp as to "why?"

No more art from Christine Karamol ever.  If I could help it, she wouldn't exist anymore.  It would make all of this work so much more smoothly.  Christine Karamol is not an alter-ego, Ken Adams is not... they are the same.  Get use to it.  That's my only advice.

It is not part of my prerogative to have to explain that to anyone and for once in my life I'm going to stand on that.

Yes, I'll still post on here, from time to time.

And yes, I am hurt by the lack of interest from my so-called "friends" in particular with anyone who considers themselves an artist... but I should have been able to have predicted this.  I would be intimidated too.

I take that back.  I'm nearly offended (but not surprised) by almost everyone.

Especially my family, extended and otherwise.  Oh, how I've become an archetype... This is only but one of the ways...

I'm not really out to hurt anyone with this, as it's my least favorable activity on this planet, but it might happen. I acknowledge this. My apologies.

My feelings are capable of being hurt as well.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

A New Blogger!

Check it out here:  (because yes, the rabbit hole goes much deeper...)

I'll still post on this one, but it will be undergoing some renovation...