What it's like

Right now I'm pissed off... I'm really pissed off.  Do you want to know why?  Because the answer is simple, initially... I'm lonely.  I'm sure plenty of more complicated people would understand.  To the simpler ones, I often wished I were you.  Allow me to explain why...

First and foremost the notion of being upset about this... makes me angry.  It's not really an ACTUAL problem.   I could be starving, I could have severed my femoral artery, or I could very well be on fire... but I'm not...

Interestingly enough, those descriptions could be used best to describe what's going on in my brain at most times during my misery days.

Lots of people feel lonely... but not like I do.  And you know what... you can go ahead and say that you understand, that you relate... I'll give you that... but trust me, I could see it in your eyes if you knew.  No one knows.  I've known that my whole life... not at least from anyone I've encountered and spent semi-significant time with.  I have science on my side now to prove to you that this statement is sound.  If that's not good enough for you, take it up with religion.   And in case you are completely clueless as to what I'm implying, either   really read up on my previous blog or just go away.  Don't make my pain worse, please, I beg of you.

I've learned a lot about myself recently.  Saying that... *sighs* man... I wish I could tell you, but at the very least, for those of you who talk to me on a regular basis... the way I even communicate, I feel, has changed fairly drastically over the course of the last few months.  I would think, it actually may be rather difficult  NOT to notice.

What I've learned, especially recently, seems to be the last piece to the puzzle.  The finish on the summation, rather.

In some ways, it makes things so exciting.  I feel like I can do anything!  Simultaneously, I've been given a tool.  This tool gave me one very important foundation.  It has taught me that I do in fact, know what I know.  At the same time it really frustrates me because being so (as what I percieve) easily labeled and pinned down to a science (quite literally) irritates me (as it states is typical of my personality) which in turn, only intrigues and excites me more.

I wish you understood.  I wish you all took the time to understand.  It's all I've ever wanted.  And I know no one is ever going to get there, but I wish I could express how much the effort means to me.  I read about everyone.  I want to know about you.  I care about you.  I pour my heart an soul into you.

I don't expect people to be like me.  I don't even expect to receive what I give.  But surely, that being said, you can understand.

And so I'm pissed off.  Actually now, I'm just frustrated.  I've really talked my way out of it.  I love people too much to hate them.  But do you know what I mean? What I'm saying?

For the first time in my life, I realize... truly... what it means to be me.  It really sucks when that means so much to you and you want to share that, but some of the people closest to you in your life can't even see past themselves, let alone their problems to even begin to want to understand what that means.  It hurts.

Thus the story of my life.  It is why I am so moody. It is why I overwhelm the piss out of you... and yes, it's why I'm smarter than you... more than likely.

I don't even like to admit that last part, because I feel it doesn't even matter... but it's true and people need to accept the truth... so maybe I'll feel less angry for a second or two.

I'm so very lonely.


And to always lighten the mood... someone saved my sanity with this today... http://www.virtualstapler.com/
If that explains anything at all...  It was so satisfying.

And on a secondary note: (as I am now writing this much later...) I've just realized that Evelyn is a manifestation of the only aspect to me that isn't extroverted... yet such a core to my person... my introverted intuition.  (You have to dig a bit deeper to really understand what that means to be honest.)  But... that's interesting.  No wonder she's always so somber in appearance.  The one thing I feel I can never express about myself is the one thing Evelyn is.  No wonder she's still my favorite.