Cliche New Year

Different reasoning...



My father said something incredibly profound to me last night.  "Enjoy your last semester."
As simple as that may seem, the mental build up as to why I believed I couldn't possibly, was far more complex. I'm not going to explain it, because if you're reading this blog, you at least know enough to get the idea.

I'm fairly certain he is unaware of how that stuck with me, but the little things often do.  For instance, being told once, when I was maybe 4 years old to watch that tummy (I was the pristine image of a skeleton at the time, nicknamed "bony butt" for good reason.) has forever perverted my mental image of myself.  That one moment changed everything.  And my aunt, whom I barely see anymore, has absolutely no idea of the gravity of what she said.  I don't hold it against her, in fact, perhaps I should thank her... something had to bring my level of awesome down a few pegs... otherwise, I would have just been a terrible person.  However, it does emphasize my point.

Small things matter.

So in order to make my life less miserable, perhaps even enjoyable, I'm setting aside today to resolve to do a few things.  Realizing my 3 class schedule, it's completely feasible... but for the first time in my life, I would really like to dedicate a significant amount of time to bettering my own self esteem.  I believe it will make the world of difference.

Suddenly, that bitch in that one thing I do won't get to me anymore because I know that there's nothing she can say.  I'm happy with who I am, and I know who I am.  In a sense, it's about my self-esteem but it's also about making myself impenetrable.  I'm tired of being hurt and I'm tired of "almost good enough."

Almost good enough seems to describe it perfectly.  I'm pretty confident in my body overall, but it's almost where I want it to be... not quite there... what's the damn excuse?  How hard is it to use whitening toothpaste once a day, work out 5x's a week, not forget to use my facial cleanser?  These small things are going to make a world of difference.

The winter generally makes me so miserable, but walking to and from my classes today, it was gorgeous.  I would prefer not to be freezing, but I should enjoy it for what it is... while it lasts.

So I have a few goals... many of which I am going to keep to myself because honestly, they're small and uninteresting to anyone outside of myself... actually, I find them to be fairly uninteresting anyway that's why I have to make a conscious effort to do them...

But one I will share, so honestly it holds me accountable, is I would like to lose approximately 15 lbs or so.  I know I'm not "fat" but that's what I'm trying to prevent.  It's a slippery slope and I don't want to pay the consequences of realizing I've let it go on for too long and when I finally do decide to do something about it, it's that much harder.

Not gonna lie, I kind of like this picture of myself... however, I would appreciate it if my stomach would be a little more flat and if my legs were a little thinner... like I said... 15 lbs...

*sighs* and here it goes... So I hold myself accountable and I don't shame myself to my readers... currently I weigh 161... granted, I'm 5'8"... My ideal weight is somewhere around 140-150ish.... last I remembered.

So, if you do the math, I'm looking to weigh about 145 or so.  This will make cosplaying, clothes wearing, and swimming that much more enjoyable.  Why not?  I'm young, I'm capable, and in excellent shape as far as resting heart rate, cholesterol, and all that other junk goes... why not keep it that way?

Here and now, this is my statement:  This is not a New Year's Resolution... this is a life commitment.  Keeping up my self-esteem will help me feel better which will help me be more productive in completing the things I want to, especially when it comes to my art.  I will feel more confident to allow my charismatic self shine which I know will open more doors than I will be able to go through.  Everything reciprocates everything.
Wish me luck.  I WILL post my progress every Friday.