Is it the time to talk about what I have been avoiding? Is it the time to slow down for a moment and think about the sum of my life up until this point? I've been putting it off and the funny thing is, it's not a requirement. I've just been meaning to. It's quite an undertaking though, really.
The last 5 years of my life retrospectively, make me question how much can really happen in such a relatively short amount of time, but then "relatively" makes me think too how short it all really is. Before I go on a cliche escapade about life, I'll save us all the agony and stop here.
Thinking back makes me hopeful, angry, happy, indifferent, worried, blessed, excited, but overall, lost. Could you tell? Right now is one of those pivotal moments. I'm packing my bags quite literally and figuratively as I begin the next phase of my life. Recently, I'm relieved and hurt by the lack of interest of people in my life that I honestly believed would have still been around. How the selfishness of people never ceases to amaze me and how the extent of their own insecurities disallows them from experiencing something that truly could be beautiful. Yet, I hold faith, and I'll never let go. It's why it keeps happening to me over and over again. I trust people. My tragic flaw I suppose, but I must admit, I'd rather be charmingly clumsy... but who wouldn't? Actually, I take that back. My flaw is better. My flaw holds out for better rewards in the long distance race.
So much has happened, it utterly overwhelms me. The places I've been, the people I've met, the people I've lost, the relationships that have grown or have been born, the ones that have deteriorated. Life never moved so quickly prior to the last 5, more really the last 3 years.
I'm a college graduate now. That's nice.
Really? Where am I now? I'm not sure. I'm not entirely certain I care to figure it out either. I do know that I strive for ambiguity and to be as free from labels as possible. More really, free from limitation. So, I'm a painter... okay? Can I not dance? Can I not make music? Can I not create costumes or create fiction? So I have a vagina... and?? What's it to you? Does it change anything to the rest of the world? Must I look "feminine?" And if I care not to look feminine, must I be the antithesis? Are there only 2 choices? The grey areas are far more fascinating and liberating. There be truth in them rainclouds.
Somedays I care so little for my physical presence that I wished I would disappear.
You know what, that's what I've gotten out of all of this. My soul just doesn't belong here. As happy as life makes me, and as much as I love people and life and music... I don't want to be here. I live for you. I live to entertain you. I live to comfort you, to sing you to sleep, to guide you, to love you, to let you know that next time, you'll be okay without me. You can do it and you are strong, and you're on the verge of greatness and truth.
I live for the plants and the animals.
Fortunately, for you, those reasons are more than a good enough reason to live.
Magnificent.
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