I haven't been transfixed on this idea for quite some time, but I use to be.
I have an impeccably hard time letting go.
But every time I am reminded I revert. I begin to question so many ideas. What makes someone who they are? Is it was everyone else sees? Fake hair, fake smile, photo editing, the knowledge of knowing how to hold yourself? That certainly accounts for something. I've done it from time to time...
I know that's a lot of photos, but I chose them because I felt they all represented important times of self-confidence for me. Now, when I look at them, I don't even recognize myself. That's what I meant in an earlier blog when I mentioned that I didn't even recognize my face anymore. I don't know if it's because of my hair... I don't know if it's because I'm having gender dysphoria issues, but it's almost as if I want to reject femininity entirely, but I still want to be viewed as "beautiful." I don't even want to be a boy. I'm just not sure. I've played such an important role.
I don't recognize it anymore, but instead I see myself. I know this is abstract but I'm too much of a coward to just come out and rightly say it.
The confidence, is it fabricated? I linger between wanting what I once had with so many things, and also wanting something beyond it. The path I feel I'm beginning though is rarely traveled. People won't see me in it, and therefore will not understand my trials. I'm not referring to being a cross-dresser, or even trans-gender.
I've struggled my whole life with feeling like I'm at least bearable to look at. And now I find myself realizing that it doesn't matter, but beauty is tempting. It gently caresses my cheek and is at my fingertips. I could blow the world away... but I would be suppressing a vital part of who I am, by ironically revealing what I can be.
I just don't know right now. I may just be a cliche... rebelling against gender roles and expectations... but why has it become a cliche to begin with?
Part of what I'm suppressing is my competitive nature. I want all people at all times to see what I am fully capable of. If I want to be a biologist, damnit, I could... and I would be the best damn biologist in my field of study. If I wanted to pick up chicks or dudes, I could do it... and I could do it better. If I wanted to be the master of Deviant Art, I could do it... If I really wanted. If I wanted to be a model, people would shit their pants at how beautiful I could appear to be... But you know what, I'm not any of those things, even though I could be.
Why?
Because for one reason or another, I chose not to be.
I guess what I'm stuck on, during this pivotal moment in my life, is what do I do now? Who do I want to be? I thought I had a pretty good idea, but over the last year, I've watched myself "digress" into this unapproachable object. My fellow peers went from happily engaging in conversation with me, to avoiding me, and not even hesitating to display their unfounded annoyance with me... based on no actual interaction whatsoever.
I'd like to think it's because I've grown to be intimidating, for the right reasons... but there is no way of knowing for certain.
All I really want is to be loved, admired, and respected. I think most people can relate to those desires.
Am I still beautiful? Do I even want to be? Should anyone be?
Why does person A get all the credit when person B is just as worthy, if not moreso? I'm not a squeaky wheel I suppose and I also suppose people feel I get enough credit with what I am good at, resulting in me getting absolutely none... other than the obvious. "You're a really great artist." Yeah, no shit.
But I don't really get that anymore anyway.
And just for the record I really did appreciate it still. But it is a scapegoat. So obvious, at least by comparison to non-artists.
Anyway, I'm just going to get myself into trouble. I should have kept it poetic. Whatever I guess. But anyway, my artist statement is below this. Don't overlook it if you read this, since I wrote both of these blogs in the same day... it's more important anyway.
I feel as if I said 'I understand' It would be a bit of an insult. Not that I couldnt find one or more aspects of this to relate to... more because Im not you.
ReplyDeleteIt seems everyone has their own cross to bear so to speak. The downside of being an intellectual and compassionate soul seems to be an intensely heavy cross. That added weight always becomes more obvious when you find yourself crossing a subject close to your heart and only 5% of the room actually seems to grasp at its coat tails.
I agree that you could be the best at whatever you so choose. But whats the point in besting people just to best them? You know better then to lead a pointless path... If you truly love it, Its not pointless. And if you love it you will come to do it at some point or another.
Personally I dont think your unapproachable. I think most of our peer group is shallow and hollow. I think in some primal way they fear that walking in to your world would be something like throwing a scarecrow into a furnace. Only because they dont take the time to even scout out the situation like the remainder of their primal instincts would do.
I love you Christine...
I think Jen brought up a good point. No one can change how worthwhile you are, but they can change how much you are rewarded for being worthwhile.
ReplyDeleteBeing the person you want to be, even if you're not entirely sure what that entails, is definitely worthwhile. But whether that is accepted or avoided by the people around you depends on them. It definitely hurts not to be accepted.
But being a good, kind person and being the kind of person you want to be is always worthwhile no matter what others think.
It's really nice to hear these things reassured. It's hard to stay true to yourself sometimes, especially when subject to so much opposition. I just found out today that most of my fellow painting peers were essentially snotty, mainstream people in high school. It kind of makes sense to me now why we don't click. I don't understand people who are slaves to consumerism and conformity having the desire and passion to create something, especially something worthwhile and unique. I'm not overgeneralizing about everyone here. There are some people I really enjoy and admire but there are so many that... ughhhh... it just becomes tiresome and is difficult for me to understand. What will really count though are those who still produce art without professors breathing down their spines.
ReplyDeleteThere are people like that in all the majors, I'm sure. The important thing is that you're not one of them.
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