What it's like

Right now I'm pissed off... I'm really pissed off.  Do you want to know why?  Because the answer is simple, initially... I'm lonely.  I'm sure plenty of more complicated people would understand.  To the simpler ones, I often wished I were you.  Allow me to explain why...

First and foremost the notion of being upset about this... makes me angry.  It's not really an ACTUAL problem.   I could be starving, I could have severed my femoral artery, or I could very well be on fire... but I'm not...

Interestingly enough, those descriptions could be used best to describe what's going on in my brain at most times during my misery days.

Lots of people feel lonely... but not like I do.  And you know what... you can go ahead and say that you understand, that you relate... I'll give you that... but trust me, I could see it in your eyes if you knew.  No one knows.  I've known that my whole life... not at least from anyone I've encountered and spent semi-significant time with.  I have science on my side now to prove to you that this statement is sound.  If that's not good enough for you, take it up with religion.   And in case you are completely clueless as to what I'm implying, either   really read up on my previous blog or just go away.  Don't make my pain worse, please, I beg of you.

I've learned a lot about myself recently.  Saying that... *sighs* man... I wish I could tell you, but at the very least, for those of you who talk to me on a regular basis... the way I even communicate, I feel, has changed fairly drastically over the course of the last few months.  I would think, it actually may be rather difficult  NOT to notice.

What I've learned, especially recently, seems to be the last piece to the puzzle.  The finish on the summation, rather.

In some ways, it makes things so exciting.  I feel like I can do anything!  Simultaneously, I've been given a tool.  This tool gave me one very important foundation.  It has taught me that I do in fact, know what I know.  At the same time it really frustrates me because being so (as what I percieve) easily labeled and pinned down to a science (quite literally) irritates me (as it states is typical of my personality) which in turn, only intrigues and excites me more.

I wish you understood.  I wish you all took the time to understand.  It's all I've ever wanted.  And I know no one is ever going to get there, but I wish I could express how much the effort means to me.  I read about everyone.  I want to know about you.  I care about you.  I pour my heart an soul into you.

I don't expect people to be like me.  I don't even expect to receive what I give.  But surely, that being said, you can understand.

And so I'm pissed off.  Actually now, I'm just frustrated.  I've really talked my way out of it.  I love people too much to hate them.  But do you know what I mean? What I'm saying?

For the first time in my life, I realize... truly... what it means to be me.  It really sucks when that means so much to you and you want to share that, but some of the people closest to you in your life can't even see past themselves, let alone their problems to even begin to want to understand what that means.  It hurts.

Thus the story of my life.  It is why I am so moody. It is why I overwhelm the piss out of you... and yes, it's why I'm smarter than you... more than likely.

I don't even like to admit that last part, because I feel it doesn't even matter... but it's true and people need to accept the truth... so maybe I'll feel less angry for a second or two.

I'm so very lonely.


And to always lighten the mood... someone saved my sanity with this today... http://www.virtualstapler.com/
If that explains anything at all...  It was so satisfying.

And on a secondary note: (as I am now writing this much later...) I've just realized that Evelyn is a manifestation of the only aspect to me that isn't extroverted... yet such a core to my person... my introverted intuition.  (You have to dig a bit deeper to really understand what that means to be honest.)  But... that's interesting.  No wonder she's always so somber in appearance.  The one thing I feel I can never express about myself is the one thing Evelyn is.  No wonder she's still my favorite.

Realizing I'm an ENFP

"What the hell is she even saying?"
A label I don't mind wearing... strangely.


I mean, it is me, right? Whatever am I ever saying, right?  (which makes this overall statement so very ironic)


But that's the fascinating thing really... that explains everything.  For the sheer sake of sounding poetic and awesome, I'm half-temped to stop... but obviously I haven't.


Perhaps I should explain how I arrived at this conclusion first...


Recently, for some reason I've been hearing a lot of buzz about this particular personality test known as the "Carl Jung and Isabel Briggs Myers typology" test... you can take it yourself here:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp


Generally, speaking, I'm skeptic and irritated by these sorts of things.  How can anything less than even 100 questions give you any sort of clue as to who we are as individuals?  Perhaps not with the specifics, but this test has shocked me as to how accurate it has been with everyone I know that's taken it... and that's from both of our perspectives, individually and otherwise.


On the whole, we actually can be broken down.  That fascinates me.  Truly it does.  Especially for myself.  Recently, I've been feeling exceptionally isolated (mentally) and really at a loss of what to do (it's bad enough where I've sought for ways to obtain help... get all that? It's complicated.)  So, I've been doing research.  Turns out, I am the rarest personality type also known as "ENFP" and the least defined of all 15 types.  What fascinates me was that this was able to accurately narrow down my complex, hard-to-relate to (understatement) temperament and overall general motives for everything I do in life... so concisely.  It's done that for everyone.  Gives me a greater appreciation and understanding of myself, but everyone else I interact with as well.


What I appreciated most, was that now that I know, I of course had to be the rarest personality type (as cool as that sounds...),   that there are others out there similar to me... even if it isn't many, that's a comforting feeling.  I am relate-able, definable... maybe just a little bit... and you have no idea how good that feels to be someone like me and say that.
I've never met any me's out there, but I hope when I do... they're old.  I need a good, frank talk with someone who has endured what I have most specifically.  Someone smarter than me.  I love it when I learn things from people and they were trying to teach me something.


I'm transfixed on this subject as of late, if you couldn't tell, so feel free to continue the conversation if you find interest! I would be happy to oblige, as it is in my nature.  Read about it! Tell me what you think! (This was my favorite website for descriptions)
http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ENFP.html
And for a bit of humor... (yet still, remarkably and completely relevant) 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHE7S-Epmeg

On a secondary note, I've read from several, easy-to-obtain sources that only about 3-4% of the entire population is like this, and out of that, only 1 % are true ENFP.  Now you read all about them, and tell me... have you ever met anyone who fit the description better?  It blows my mind.

Here I am

All my life I've been alone, but never have I been left alone.  Loneliness I've felt as an adolescent and even younger at times, was satiated... by the comfort of my parents, the sound of my dog... the distraction of a video game or book. 

Now here I am.  Alone.  Truly.  When he is gone it is myself, the dog, and my thoughts.  Where does this leave the 23-year old version of myself?

I built myself an army to distract my brain.  I thrive on concocting a universe where I am the celebrity, the caretaker, the best friend, the divinely wise, and most admirable of the group.  It's a lot of hard work to avoid being left alone with your thoughts.

Here I am now... I'm left alone with them,  a much greater ability to articulate them and completely at square 0.  It's intense.  It's horrifying.  It's fun.  But most of all, it's lead me to truly understand, that it may be much more difficult to not feel this way for the rest of my life.

Expect great things from me.

Christine Karamol

December 19, 2011 at 2:22 AM EST
Tampa, Florida