Life in the Balance

As an anti-fan of cliche's I seem to start with them quite frequently...

Life? How's it been? As of late, one word can be used to describe it rather sufficiently; insane.
Out of the lot of them, "hectic" just didn't seem to quite describe it, "crazy" is so overused it's really lost it's value (hence my use of its much more attractive synonym), and "life-changing" you see is cheating because it's two words and too "no shit".

I just moved a 1000 miles away from the place I'm struggling to no longer call home. There will be no going back, not at least to my childhood home. And as monumental as that all seems, it's been sitting with me for so long and has been so much part of a process that I feel... not much, jaded, if you will. I left behind some cold weather, family, friends, fall, a wee bit of regret, resentment, but life goes on. If this hasn't communicated that message to me by now, nothing ever will...

But life really has gone on. I'm here. I did it. I'm happy.
Isn't it interesting how such a simple statement can be overlooked so easily? "I'm happy." Even after all of the stress of trying to find an apartment while essentially being homeless, with no job, no friends, odd addresses, and limited funds, and even after coming down from the initial high of getting settled in... I'm still happy.

Why? Because I'm not a melodramatic piece of shit who insists on my misery being a vital characterization of myself in which I learn to express my person in this relatively small world we live in. I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes, getting away is the best thing you can do for yourself. Finding that light, that was my proof. It's all I needed, and now... it's okay.

Sure, I'm scared. I really don't want to get a job that isn't relevant to the degree I spent so much time, money, and effort to obtain... but I probably will. I'm really not ready to make new friends (but I actually really am more scared that I won't). I'm afraid I'll miss my family (I already do). And I'm afraid I'll be forgotten by what I've left behind... but that is kind of liberating in a way, even if that does happen.

Christine Karamol, she's such a dynamic, easy-going, honest,strangely well-known (outside of BGSU), kind, multi-faceted person that most never really got to know. And, I'll accredit most of that to being my own fault... but oh well. My life was different. I'm in a relationship that is uncharacteristically developed for my age and have been for the past 8 years. I was such an amazing realist drawer at such a young age that by the time I reached college I was already bored with it... struggling to find what it really meant to create something beyond something pretty or impressive, and to let go of that pride that people won't see that raw talent that I've always attached my own identity to, how I made my path in the past, and fighting the urge to not go on and on in a way to justify no longer doing it. I was an outsider because I transferred in and I struggled at first to figure out how university life functioned and how my peers functioned that by the time I figured it out and began to embrace it for what it was, it was nearly over. And... it always makes it more difficult that I'm such an odd curiosity. I know it. It is what it is. But it's over. Thank God.

Now, here's my opportunity to kick ass. I've always been known to kick ass, let's not discredit me all too quickly, but on a much more grandiose level. I've already procured a certain level of obscure famedom, which I have all intentions of increasing. I have a book in the midst... and a new idea, a big new idea.
Ken Adams. He's a webcomic artist, or at least is aspiring to be. He's not nearly as dynamic as I am, but he'll probably be less likely to scare people away. I'm not denying myself at all, just strategically placing a facet of myself to the rest of the world that I feel will be received in a way that I would much prefer.

*Takes in a deep breath* I have so much to say, but I suppose with so many big things happening at once, it's reasonable. I never like to go on for too long, but this time it cannot be helped.

A few things I need to remember, no matter where I go or what I am doing:

1. Slow down. I'm not going to die tomorrow, and even if I do... oops... Even with everything I've done in the past month, I'm still work obsessed. I'm never doing enough. I moved a 1000 miles away from home, left everything I've ever been familiar with, taken the biggest risk that anyone out of my immediate families has ever taken, and I'm wigging out over the fact that I have no work to show in galleries right now. Despite the fact that my most recent project was so large that in order to move it, I have to pay a sizable multi K$$ POD unit to have it hauled down that I cannot afford to pay off for another several months, and most of my decent art supplies are also in storage... despite the fact that I still produce work, despite the fact that I've been making commissions all summer, despite the fact that I only settled into my apartment 3 days ago... I think I'm still not doing good enough. Think I need a chill pill? I do. "Oh no! It's only been a week and I don't have a 12 person posse to follow me around yet! I'm a failure and I'll never make the right connections in order to be a successful artist." Calm the fuck down... seriously. But, that is what kind of makes me pretty kick ass... Life in the balance, life is about balance.

2. Don't forget. Like a good man, Moofasa, once said, "Remember, who you are." And I will. I'm Christine Karamol, I'm Christine Karamol-Rahrig, I'm Dreadz, I'm KoRn-chick, Art Chick, The Kaiser. I'm from a small town in Northwest Ohio where the likes of Takashi Murakami, Damien Hirst, Chuck Close, hell... Frank Stella, mean nothing. Where a festival dedicated to poultry is the most anticipated event of the year, and Thomas Kinkade is the best artist ever.

I'm also a girl who grew faster than everyone, who's spent her life around an oddball family and a plethora of boys, around a grandmother who loved the villains best, and I've always been a puzzle piece that usually complimented the others but never quite fit. An actual, IQ tested genius who never told anyone until it became irrelevant, and who's closest company was a bunch of drug addicts. A former, bad-ass who then took kinship up with the losers, the misfits, the nerds. The one so charismatic, she could have had anyone... but stood up for the ones who had nothing. Attractive, but wore boy's clothes. Attractive, but never thought she was. I'm someone who has struggled with gender identity my whole life, still does, but now, at 23, finally admits it.

And finally, as it has been on my mind lately, I have a dedication to this homage/reflection pool of major life altering events...

To Isho-Cosplay,

    I have to be completely honest. When I first met Ritzy-kun at a convention that I was twisted into going to for the sake of publicity, I didn't think much other than, "Cool. Another fan girl." But how wrong I was. How meeting that "fan-girl" changed so much for me. We talked after that, online. She seemed pretty cool, but I didn't divulge that much attention into her more than I would anyone else. When she invited me to the the New Years cosplay party, I was... hesitant. When I realized that it was going to be at her grandmother's house (which don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of parties in the good company of my family but to a senior in college... it seemed... like it was traveling back to high school.) But I figured, hey, she seems to really admire me, the least I can do is show up in that ridiculous costume of mine and make her happy. So I did. I left that night feeling like my mind had been raped, for lack of a better, less offensive word.
    And to be honest it's because I had gotten so wrapped up in the world of snobby kids who think they're artists and that their life has more meaning because they're doing something so rogue. But meeting you guys reminded me what it really meant to be rogue... to not care what other people think about how other people viewed you because you were all so passionate to express yourselves with something you truly loved. How remarkable I find you all to be. It didn't take me long to really take a liking to you guys, but it happened all right before I left... and I didn't realize what I really had until it finally hit me that I was leaving it all. You guys gave me the gusto to finish that installation, whether you knew it or not. You gave me the balls to know that my Kaiser Kampaign videos were actually funny, and that I really had something to it. You let me know that when I was going to leave, it was going to be okay. I can still make friends and people still like me. I can still be admired and I cannot thank you all enough.
    One day on facebook I was tagged in a little "hypothetical" discussing the "Who will be what in the next 5 years..." I was tagged as, "The most likely to be famous." That's my goal. In what way, I'm still not sure, but if I achieve that, I honestly will dedicate a lot of that success to all of you. You little Kaislings ;) You started it all. But to be honest, thanks to you guys, I feel famous already. I will always be first and foremost, Isho-Cosplay's Kaiser.