Days Like These

I'm perfectly aware of my youth, my naivete.

Having such vast access into the particulars of nearly everyone we've ever come into contact with is not healthy for us.  As I drift through the profile pictures of so many of my peers, some from college, others from high school, and even distant relatives and childhood comrades, it's hard to find a single one that genuinely seems happy.  The only ones that appear happy are the ones that aimed for a menial and predictable existence.

Being 24, fresh out of college, and truly living life for the first time on your own terms shouldn't be easy.  I paint no illusions, it's not.  However, being constantly exposed to the successes, blights, and daily happenings of so many people is a social game so vast and unprecedented in history, it baffles me how we've descended into this festering mess of shit so quickly.  It brews so many feelings of inadequacy and is too easy to miss out on your day whilst trying to keep up with everyone else's.

I'm sure this opinion would probably irritate plenty.  If it bothers me so badly, then why do I participate?  Because I care.  Because even my professors from college convinced me that if I don't keep myself "in the game" I'll never get anywhere.  It scares me.  I understand why it's so important.

I'm pretty confident that people think I do nothing.  I've tried to convince myself that it doesn't matter what people think and even more importantly, it's vanity to spend time projecting what I think other people think... well, most of the time.  It's a work in progress.  I haven't posted any real artwork for nearly two years but because everyone else seems to post every second of their lives for affirmation that their existence means something, it must mean I haven't done any.

Bull fucking shit.

My installation from my BFA show looks like child's play compared to what I'm doing now. But since I'm tired of people not giving any real thought, as the "like" button seems to be all we need these days, it keeps me resolved to withhold even more.  Due to my circumstances I didn't have the internet for nearly a year and after experiencing more of what matters to me, it has become very clear to me that mankind's "progress" is not always positive and I do not have to participate.

It has changed our social expectations so dramatically that the pressure from it has caused me to not only avoid the internet but the phone as well.   I genuinely have a phone phobia but probably due to a seeming indestructible and outgoing visceral image of myself, I can't quite seem to communicate this.  It makes me cry.  It makes me think constantly of the people I love so dearly, whom I have no idea how they even feel about me anymore because this vicious anxiety has me so twisted up inside that I don't even know what to do anymore.

And that's just sad.  Anyone who has ever known me, knows that I am a social and passionate creature.  I love with my whole heart and at nearly any cost, won't give up on relationships once they've truly made an imprint on my soul.

But I can't do this anymore...  I've went back and re-read my own blogs several times, trying to make sense out of this progression.  I've made sense out of my own unraveling but as to how others have missed it... I have no real answer.  This basic same sentiment has been expressed time and time again not only on this blog but elsewhere.  What am I suppose to do?

I've hesitated for so long but the conclusion is inevitable and approaches.  I do not want to be a part of this anymore.  I want to live my life free of the concerns and eyes of everyone else.  It kills me because I hate missing out, I hate not being able to relate to others, and I especially hate people feeling like I don't care when I swear to you my care will send me to the grave.

I have art to do.  I have books to write.  Most importantly, I have a mission.

I'll write my blogs and change my picture on facebook occasionally but that's it.  I hope someday others gain the courage to pull themselves away from their monitors and phones and realize that your life has nothing to do with anyone else in the end.