A Poem and Something Not Quite

(Both written originally on April 6th.)

Lords of illusion
Entangled in shadow.
Some are back from the dead
Disturbing the trampled leaves of tomorrow.

In their wake
They reveal your strings.
Upon their command, you quake,
Fearing what their wrath brings.

The gods of yesterday,
They are vengeful and cold.
No one can match
The power of centuries old.

                                              Better do what you're told.

***

If you want to break the curse

You must first pay what is due.
Lest the darkest of follies and fancies will pursue.

What is this thing in your head?
It twists.  It turns.  It stabs.
Whilst invoking purest dread.

Sad thing is,
(and you know it's true...)

Here I am,
Still telling you.

Aw, do we need the answer?
What an incomprehensible surprise.

Alas, it is why you are in defeat, I surmise.

What is that pain in your spine?

(I think you're aware.)

It's made of two parts and grows on the vine.
Its taste does not compare.

I don't want to title this.

Generally speaking, I'm a very angry and frustrated individual.  Part of me would like to write that off as simply being a necessary evil to the standard artist paradigm, but honestly, when has "standard" ever been synonymous with "Christine"?

Truth of the matter is, there's a reason some successful artists are in galleries, whilst others are Andy Warhol.  Not that I am suggesting I am or will be either of those things because I know I am something else entirely, and anyone who's gotten to know me a little bit cannot deny, that's true.  I love that part about being me, just to throw that out there.

Why am I prefacing the point with this seeming, "justification clause?"  Because I'm about to say some things that will make people who are not honest with themselves very insecure and thus, angry with me.  Don't you love how that works?

My entire life I have been searching for someone who could ease my anxiety of the difference between myself and others.  No matter who've I encountered, no matter how dear to me, one fact remains constant... I know better.

I'm not implying that I'm perfect, nor that I don't make mistakes but in the words of Anthony Keidis, "... universally speaking I win in the long run."

Point being, I perceive so much about other people.  So much I know they will never come to know or recognize in themselves because they're not even aware that such a factor is defined or exists.  I see the sum of their persons, why they have the physical ailments they do, why they're in a bad relationship, why they're depressed, why everything.  Every choice I watch people make, I can reassure you I can explain the motives better than they can.  If you don't believe me, I seriously don't care.

I'd reassure you to have a conversation with me and find out for yourself in the past.  "Anyone who knows me, holds no resentment for me making such commentary because of the basic truth of it."  Although that all may be true, I simply don't want to at this point.  I am officially jaded.

Most people drive me insane anymore.  The dullness of their existence, how they can't see 5 inches in front of their noses.  People smell rancid to me anymore.  Truthfully, I've always felt this way, but I suppose the child in me wanted to believe in the possibility of that not being the case with a select few... fortunately, my child was right... usually is.  The only difference now is that I'm posting it online for anyone to read and get offended by.  That is another matter entirely, really.

I won't give up fighting for humanity though, even though, I believe with all of my heart they don't deserve it anymore.  I won't stop fighting because I want us to be human again.

"Standard Facebook Bathroom Mirror Photo #364"

It's time to kick some ass...

So, Kaiser studios has officially taken flight.  Even though in theory, it has existed for a little while now, there is an actual physical space in which it inhabits now.

In light of this event, I feel it worthy of acknowledging it as the beginning of a new chapter.  So many happenings have unraveled in the past 9 or so months (really since I moved) that I would have never dreamed or anticipated.  I'll be honest, it's been hell but it seems just to have been the right amount of burn that we could tolerate just barely and that we could recover from, eventually.

I know I feel like I'm officially walking out of the flames.  My perspective on nearly everything has changed.  We have sacrificed and worked to the point that you think you just can't do it anymore, and then you have to give everything you've already given and then some only to see no end in sight.  That's the best way I can describe what life has been like for me.

I can't tell anyone what happened, really.  I'm afraid to even say that truthfully it concerns existential matters so large and heavy that they are truly out of the comprehension of anyone I could tell it to.  Funny thing is, I know for certain I could have anyone believe it... because it's true.  But I still can't.

Nonetheless, it's still the reason.  It's the reason I never know what to talk to people about anymore.  It's the reason I've exiled myself from mainstream culture, to some extent.  Overall, I'm better and happier for it but what I hate are the people I love on the outskirts, the ones I desire to tell.  I feel like I can't have an honest, deeper relationship with hardly anyone not in this knowing, and if I can't have an honest relationship (with the ones that count), I don't really want it.  I look into the eyes of the people I love, even in my mind, and it causes me so much grief that I can't have the relationship I would even consider beneficial to myself with them.  

*Sighs* Alas, it is what it is.

I'm surprised that I'm comfortable enough to say even this much but I figured at the very least I can bank on the crazy artist card.  Seriously, if you think I'm full of shit or have no idea what I'm referring to, just keep it that way.  I really don't mind.

I've had to accept many wrong opinions of me for doing what I know with my greater sense is for the best.  I can't stand it.  By nature, I despise conflict, constantly seek the affirmation of others, and wish to affirm others almost always in a positive sense.  I'm really not a stone that just lets false opinions roll off my backside, although sometimes I'd give anything to be that way.  It haunts me for years and I have to come to moment like this before I can honestly let it go.

A better reason has to intervene.  My better reason is my kick ass future.  My kick ass future with my kick ass group of artists and revolutionary thinkers.  Yes, I just said revolutionary thinkers.  I have witnessed no true reason why I shouldn't say this about my group of "fiends" who left everything behind to pursue a dream... with more on their way... and a 1000 good reasons why I should.

What you'll be seeing from us in the not-too-distant future is some more costumery mostly, among plushies, props, some art, and conventions.  What you won't be seeing from us is everything else we've really been working on.

I'm so deep and mysterious...