Perspective

Note:  This is an incredibly shallow and unsatisfactory account of the true extent of the mentioned events, emotions, and intentions stated in this following blog.

Did you know that I have aspirations to start an artists' studio?  It should come as no real surprise.  However, there are a lot of people who speak of such things and the words never become anything more than just deluded fantasy.  So, I try my best to reserve my offense when someone is weary of my current position.

From an outsider's perspective, I am a hopeless dreamer.  Seemingly aimless and careless about my "plans" and probably even some of my relationships.  I will not apologize for this.  My methods are unconvential and trust me, I am far too self-aware to realize the difficulties I face because of this.  I know exactly what I am doing and I work toward this goal everyday that I'm not putting up with the ceaseless flow of tumultuous bullshit that can be my life at times.

Sometimes I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that when my very demanding and expansive social life and those involved won't understand my perspective.  Who has a life like mine?  I wouldn't be too keen on believing it myself.  But I kid you not, currently, I am in a hotel because it rained.

Allow me to explain...

So, my beautiful apartment that I have spent about 10 months living in, 6 of which, I had nothing save my air mattress, some clothes, a few sketchbooks, and my computer, had its ceiling completely destroyed.  I moved 1000 miles away from everyone, everything I have ever known with about $300 and two cars.  I fought my ass off for this place, pooling every resource and trick I could muster.  Well, here I am, not even a full year into my lease and I was given 3 hours notice that I have to move.  Now.

Now, the apartment complex I live in is attempting to pacify us by moving our things into another one of their apartments... but needless to say, I'm just not happy.

I won't try to fool anyone (although I really do not want any sympathy), it has not been easy.  I have been dragging my feet to get a "real job" because quite frankly, I have issues dealing with "real people."  I also get enough commission work to justify being the "hopeless dreamer" that I know people who don't know any better probably perceive me.  The positive result, I have written a novel and it's good.  Just ask someone who's read any part of it.  I have a fan club already, so I don't hesitate to announce these things.  The fruits of that 6 years of hard labor are still quite a distance from me, but it's well worth the wait.

I persevere.  I have reached out to accomplish more than any of my peers.  I sought to a project that was well over a year's worth of planning and seven months of hard, executed labor.  I spent six years saying I would write a novel, and I did.  I said I would marry that 15 year old boy when I was but 15 myself because I knew better than anyone what to do with my own life.  I married that boy by the way. Nine years we'll be together this October.  I said I would travel too.  I have been more places than I care to list because this isn't about making people feel less "Worldly" than me... because that would probably be the effect.

I don't have any money (and I never have).  We live paycheck to paycheck.  As a result, we have made sacrifices.  This is why I don't have internet.  This is why I can't just go to any convention that floats my whimsy.  Even when it comes to purchasing the supplies needed for any of my commissions, I require 20% down because otherwise I wouldn't have the funds to start the project myself.  So, my personal projects suffer, even though I only say this because I overextend myself to create far more during any given time than I really should.

This may sound horrifying to some, but this experience has been essential to me.  I'm actually overall very happy and satisfied with the direction my life is headed.  Everything is still following the master plan even with the many obstacles I have encountered.  There has been huge progress toward that initial goal (which will be so much more in the end) of starting up this studio.  I have one contributor who dropped everything in his life because he knows what I'm capable of to pursue this dream with me.  I have a few others pending and 2 more confirmed and on their way. 1 group of the two will actually be joining me in my quest in the matter of days.

So many people believe in this and I do as well.  How can it fail?  We're all too damn stubborn.  But believe me... I"m always speaking in tongues.  There is so much more to this than meets the eye.  "I see all and say nothing."

Red Hot Chili Peppers Monarchy of Roses

Three Days out of Two Months

Written April 27, 2012

The final sanctuary for my weary mind rests on a lined, mass-produced wonder.

This cherished object, this notebook is nothing more than a fraction of some semblance that is myself.  Some nights I feel as though it is all I maintain... a loose grasp.  Alas, I know this is not true.

I feel as though I am a trash heap.  A collection of madness, emotion, and heavily convoluted fantasy.  Yet as I breath, as I write these words, I cannot deny it.

Every hour of my consciousness I now question my sanity.  However, as a child my sights always knew of the distinction and the inevitability.

Do I speak in tongues for elusiveness?  Or do I speak in tongues to soothe my soul?  To alleviate this madness?

I write as though it mattered, as though someone where to know.  No one knows.  No one ever will.

I am nothing.  I feel to be made mockery by very own existence -neglecting that of which all surrounds me-.

Time will tell.

What if it doesn't?

Others claim to believe me; I do not believe them.

If I believed them, I would therefore believe myself.  If I were to believe it...

I am simply too overwhelmed.

God spare me some grief.  I see miracles for I search for them.

This is the root of my turmoil, the seed of my festering brain, and the dampened cloth of my despair.

There is no room to breath nor error in judgement.


Written May 3, 2012

The passion of the dragon embellished upon my soul a promise of a heavy fate.  While the stars humble my person reminding me to remained balanced and constant.  Perseverance is never effortlessly maintained and has never been more shrouded by such a suffocating veil of static.  Over half a year has passed since this leg of my journey began.

"Who am I?"

I now understand that the only answer to that question (that is an answer that would truly suffice) is certainly more than nothing  but perhaps a little less than something.

I span, perhaps not infinitely, but so wide I no longer can pretend to grasp the entirety of this chasm.

I do know that I am a servant to an end and I always have been.  Without a say in the matter is going too far, but I take my position with great honor and responsibility.

Where I've been in this life hardly seems of consequence but I am most appreciative of the blessing regardless and acknowledge its necessity.

I will do what needs to be done, just as I always have.

I will no longer fear my future.  I will no longer doubt my past.

Can you feel it?  I have returned.
-----------------Part 2 (same day)

Emotionally drained, I essentially spent the past seven months in profound isolation.  Discovering the true extent of my person's real need of the significant interactions of others, I had to learn to depend only upon myself when all was said and done.

Physically depleted, I "ironically" find myself ill in the last four days before the next chapter began.

Spiritually reawakened-a soul in the likeness to my own takes tremendous resources to call to attention, as I discovered.

I went through a horrible bought of depression that led me to the beginnings of ------------------------, something I thought that I would ------------------.

I had redefined every relationship I had ever had.

I had attempted to complete my novel after following a peacock down a dirt path.  I had thought my "great journey" would lead me to finally conclude the six year project, but led me to so much more.

For the first time, I had sincerely questioned my sanity, not only once but every minute there-after.

I had discovered one of the greatest navigational tools to the formula that is mankind and brought this invaluable information to those that would receive it.

I had acquired the ability to play a song so beautiful it brought myself and my lover to tears.

I had gained a level of intimacy and love with those who mattered most even beyond the depths of my initial perception.

I had lived in a state of poverty that had me wondering if I would eat that given evening (I didn't mind).  Most of the duration, I had virtually nothing material.

It was the hardest thing I had experienced up until that point.

I have never been more thankful.  I have counted every blessing I have not missed.

I found myself.


Written Wednesday May 16, 2012 at 4 a.m.
(The only journal I intended to be read by others.)

I find I can no longer quiet my mind.  Marginal attempts to contact my favourites have failed, to no shock.

When I had originally set my sights on abandoning all means of my virtual life, I hadn't anticipated losing the ability to do so entirely.  But it happened.

Must anyone require a brief explanation know that I am far too impoverished and seek means of greater simplicity, despite my current aspirations.  Speaking of which, do not presume to know what those are at all.

Retrospect provided that I have not been exiled for the past two months but the entirety of the past seven.  I speak yet hardly any bare witness to my words' significance.  The gravity, the context, is always lost by some measure if not completely.  As much as I loathe it, this has been the most poignant transformation I have ever underwent.

We have only reached the gilded gates of truth.  Discovering the crack in the doors was only the genesis of this descent into... something.
                                                                Oh, what to even call it.

How have I been?

I wish I could tell you all.

I wish I could sing from the rooftops (perhaps I will, but will it be heard?) detailing what I have seen, where I have been.  Although, I cannot.

My news is nothing short of outstanding, fascinating, and exceptionally detailed.  I would give so much to have it be heard and received as I would like, but no.  I am sorry.

Needless to say, I am well.  Very well, actually.  Even though the entirety of this journey has left me feeling somewhat like a bruised peach in a burlap sack of potatoes, I am eternally grateful for it.

Life scares me shitless sometimes but I have never been more enthralled to breathe it in.

There are no more questions, concerns, and most importantly, doubts in all that I have come to understand.  I wish I could describe to you all what that feels like but even my words would always fall short of the collective's (although regrettably sympathetic) ignorance.  It is impossible.

So I suppose the final inquiry that stands could be, "When will you return?"  In which the only response I could give, "When God inspires the selfish hearts of men to provide me with reasonable internet rates."

Until that day arrives, I did want to remark that I miss you all dearly.  Honestly, I really do.  I hope you can take a small bit of pleasure in knowing that my absence was one of the best things I think I have ever done for myself.

Thank you.

Please love me when I am gone just as in my absence, I do the same for all of you.

<3 Kaiser