Cliche New Year

Different reasoning...



My father said something incredibly profound to me last night.  "Enjoy your last semester."
As simple as that may seem, the mental build up as to why I believed I couldn't possibly, was far more complex. I'm not going to explain it, because if you're reading this blog, you at least know enough to get the idea.

I'm fairly certain he is unaware of how that stuck with me, but the little things often do.  For instance, being told once, when I was maybe 4 years old to watch that tummy (I was the pristine image of a skeleton at the time, nicknamed "bony butt" for good reason.) has forever perverted my mental image of myself.  That one moment changed everything.  And my aunt, whom I barely see anymore, has absolutely no idea of the gravity of what she said.  I don't hold it against her, in fact, perhaps I should thank her... something had to bring my level of awesome down a few pegs... otherwise, I would have just been a terrible person.  However, it does emphasize my point.

Small things matter.

So in order to make my life less miserable, perhaps even enjoyable, I'm setting aside today to resolve to do a few things.  Realizing my 3 class schedule, it's completely feasible... but for the first time in my life, I would really like to dedicate a significant amount of time to bettering my own self esteem.  I believe it will make the world of difference.

Suddenly, that bitch in that one thing I do won't get to me anymore because I know that there's nothing she can say.  I'm happy with who I am, and I know who I am.  In a sense, it's about my self-esteem but it's also about making myself impenetrable.  I'm tired of being hurt and I'm tired of "almost good enough."

Almost good enough seems to describe it perfectly.  I'm pretty confident in my body overall, but it's almost where I want it to be... not quite there... what's the damn excuse?  How hard is it to use whitening toothpaste once a day, work out 5x's a week, not forget to use my facial cleanser?  These small things are going to make a world of difference.

The winter generally makes me so miserable, but walking to and from my classes today, it was gorgeous.  I would prefer not to be freezing, but I should enjoy it for what it is... while it lasts.

So I have a few goals... many of which I am going to keep to myself because honestly, they're small and uninteresting to anyone outside of myself... actually, I find them to be fairly uninteresting anyway that's why I have to make a conscious effort to do them...

But one I will share, so honestly it holds me accountable, is I would like to lose approximately 15 lbs or so.  I know I'm not "fat" but that's what I'm trying to prevent.  It's a slippery slope and I don't want to pay the consequences of realizing I've let it go on for too long and when I finally do decide to do something about it, it's that much harder.

Not gonna lie, I kind of like this picture of myself... however, I would appreciate it if my stomach would be a little more flat and if my legs were a little thinner... like I said... 15 lbs...

*sighs* and here it goes... So I hold myself accountable and I don't shame myself to my readers... currently I weigh 161... granted, I'm 5'8"... My ideal weight is somewhere around 140-150ish.... last I remembered.

So, if you do the math, I'm looking to weigh about 145 or so.  This will make cosplaying, clothes wearing, and swimming that much more enjoyable.  Why not?  I'm young, I'm capable, and in excellent shape as far as resting heart rate, cholesterol, and all that other junk goes... why not keep it that way?

Here and now, this is my statement:  This is not a New Year's Resolution... this is a life commitment.  Keeping up my self-esteem will help me feel better which will help me be more productive in completing the things I want to, especially when it comes to my art.  I will feel more confident to allow my charismatic self shine which I know will open more doors than I will be able to go through.  Everything reciprocates everything.
Wish me luck.  I WILL post my progress every Friday.

Weakness

Without a doubt, my greatest weakness is my inability to let go.  Not in an artistic sense, I don't seem to have too much of a problem with that, and not even in a material sense.  I can't let go of people.  Events will change and mold circumstance.  There are reasons why things are the way they are... reasons I decided to "let someone go."  But I never really do.

Time passes by and I question why I did it to begin with.  I must have just been crazy.  I must have just been unreasonable.  When time passes and people change... especially for the better, I seem to isolate their current selves and extend into some sort of backwards logic that makes me think that's how they've always been, and the fact that I'm no longer a large part of their life is entirely my fault... like I'm a moron, or a bad friend.

But I know that's not the case, yet I relent the loss.  I still want to be that special person they can rely on.  I want to be an important part of their lives, and likewise, I want them to be an important part of my own.  But I feel like it's too late, because I can't let go of my fear.

Call it a natural defense... I suppose if I had a much larger amount of free time in my life I would have dedicated it to restoring these relationships I cherished so much.

But I don't.

I don't think people really care anyway.  I care too goddamn much.  I feel all the time. I think obsessively, and maybe a fraction of that makes it into the atmosphere... I'm a fucking idiot.


PS... to anyone who may refer to themselves as some sort of magical or ethereal being yet barely knows how to spell, use proper grammar, or even appropriate word choice... think... I was going to say twice, but just think in the first place about referring to yourself as an "artist".

If you are going to sling around the term so loosely, you might as well consider yourself a person.  By lose definition, an artist is someone who creates something to express themselves... I'm pretty confident most 5 year olds are capable of this.  So if everyone does it, what is the point of differentiating the term? Should you consider yourself a shitter because you shit?  I suppose you could if that makes you feel better, but honestly, unless you're truly an accomplished piece of shit... maybe you should reconsider.  Everyone shits.

As defined by "Wiki" the pop-culturely accepted form of definition...

Modern Theory of Art

[edit]The present day concept of an 'artist'

Artist is a descriptive term applied to a person who engages in an activity deemed to be an art. An artist also may be defined unofficially as "a person who expresses him- or herself through a medium". The word is also used in a qualitative sense of, a person creative in, innovative in, or adept at, an artistic practice.

Most often, the term describes those who create within a context of the fine arts or 'high culture', activities such as drawing, painting, sculpture, acting, dancing, writing, filmmaking, photography, and music—people who use imagination, talent, or skill to create works that may be judged to have an aesthetic value. Art historians and critics define artists as those who produce art within a recognized or recognizable discipline.

As you can see I took the liberty to highlight what I felt was most essential to note.

If I am subject to such high levels of criticism, yet come out having my work as "adept" or "skilled", then I have earned my title.  I am an artist.  You are not.

Surviving

The last semester of my undergraduate experience is about to begin.

I'm not ready.

I'm not ready to face the individuals who send my heart into a panic, without second thought... "This is a person." Is something I'm confident does not cross their minds.  Express myself exceptionally well, as I do, only seems to dig me in deeper.

My resolution, certainly won't help.  Isolate myself.  That never seems to accomplish much.  I have a direct example of that in my life currently.  Look at where that got you.  Lonely, bitter, and most likely afraid.  I don't want that.  However, there is that moment where you decide or at the very least consider that perhaps it's easier than dealing with everything else.  I can't.  With only a semester left, it's poor form and cowardice.  It'll get me no where, fast.

So isolating myself is not my resolution.  Hence, why I am not ready.  I'm not sure what to do, but I'm certain that I'll manage.  I always do.

My bigger concern revolves around my living situation.  This time of the year is always a struggle for me and now I'm doing it under more stress than I seem to be allowing myself to comprehend.  Setting aside the ridiculous project I have strewn out before me and the expectations that people I have considerable amount of respect and reverence for have placed on said project, I live in a house (not including myself and my husband) with 4 other people... not including their random interchangeable counterparts... and to be quite honest, I don't really mind.  I mean, I knew what I was getting myself into... mostly...

I genuinely enjoy the company of others (probably more so than most people) but there seems to be more of an overbearing calling for me to be around, socializing in most times that I barely have the capacity for, lest the mental state of "happiness" in the household be left in ruin.

I don't have time to think.  I don't have time to converse with my husband.  I don't have time to write or even make stupid character drawings.

I don't blame anyone.  I really only blame myself.

Honestly, it's bearable.  I trust the people I'm around enough to tell them when I just need to be alone and count on them to understand.

That's really not what's bothering me anyway.

I have so much resentment, hurt, fear, and anxiety stored up all the time... but I gave up on looking for a solution to that problem.  There is only one and it requires about 5 months to pass by.  I would love to be able to express myself on the situation, to explain everything... but for what reason would I do that?  It's like screaming in the middle of a desert.  No, I take that back.  There would be more solace in knowing the desert isn't capable of understanding.

But pouring your heart, your hopes into something that could possibly receive it, understand it, but won't... due to it's own incapacity, it's one of the most painful experiences that I must keep to myself.  If I expose myself, I'm only making myself vulnerable and setting myself up for more disappointment.

My friend is gone.  Another person I love is dead.  A relationship I cherished and wished to rebuild is moving on.  Yet I continue to smile.

I have plenty of wonderful, amazing experiences coming my way, and I cherish the ones along the journey... but this path is unbearably grey.  I'm ready to move on, but I have to wait.  My next test of patience.  And I wonder... how many more?  Why?

When I move on from this place, it will just be concluding what has already been done.  My life, my heart, my home is no longer here.

I know I'll make it, but I just don't know how.  I'd rather not just merely survive, but sometimes, we have no choice.