So I started to get into writing fiction again (much for the efforts to save my sanity). This was sort of a warm-up and I was inspired by the idea of the reverse "ugly duckling" tale, which may have been done before, but whateva. There may be some historical allegory in their as well but who cares?!
... without further ado:
-French Swan-
"A long time ago I use to be well acquainted with this French swan..."
"Two questions-" a child, much, much younger than the man he was speaking to interjected.
The old man subtly huff-grumbled, having barely begun at all. Kids these days. He picked up a long pipe from the stand beside his chair and pushed the contents of whatever was inside down before lighting it and taking a long, drawn-out puff before he continued.
Waving away the dense fog of unique smoke lingering in his wake he began, "I suppose to add yet another question to your greedy list of inquiries, you would also like to know why I don't hesitate to set such a bad example for you? Tell me something first; If you already know it's wrong, then what do I have to do with it?"
The child blinked absently.
The old man seemed to have expected nothing less. He continued with a sigh, "The swan was French because it's an analogy for this French woman I use to know, if you can call her that. I find it easier to think of her as a swan... They share a lot of qualities, which is the point of my story. Now if you don't mind..."
"I never even asked-"
This time, it was the old man's turn to interrupt, "Well what else could it have been? I hadn't even finished the first sentence of my story before you stopped me."
The child's response was silence.
"She was beautiful. " The old man continued.
"I gave her everything, this Swan. She seemed so pure with her white feathers, her peaceful yet quirky disposition, and especially what I thought was her intelligence. "
"What you thought?"
"Well, at the time, I taught her everything that I knew and as you know, I know a lot of things. Consequently, the Swan ended up learning a lot of things, which hardly seems like a bad thing right? " The old man looked to the child for the first time since their conversation began without a level of irritation to his tone or countenance.
The child nodded in agreement, like children predictably do...
" Yeah, I use to believe that. Back when I was young and naive, I use to believe that everyone had a right to knowledge and if they had the ability to obtain it, then they ought to. I suppose deep down, I still fundamentally believe this. "
"Then what was wrong with her?" The child asked innocently.
" Well turns out there's a big difference between knowing the dance moves and being the one who invented them. You see, back then I didn't realize that she was actually just an imitation. And very much like a swan, she had her beauty to make up for her true lack of understanding for all the things I thought I had taught her."
"How does that make sense?"
"Beauty is a very distracting notion. The concept of it is nearly impossible to explain and it's perimeters are ever-shifting. For some reason though, it makes things easier for those whom are considered to be such, or so it would appear. That being said, one could dance their way through life using beauty as their fuel source... but as I said, beauty is ever changing and can fade, sometimes never to return again."
"So what does this have to do with a swan other than the fact that she was beautiful? Is she ugly now?"
"Perhaps she was never beautiful to begin with?" The old man trailed off dejectedly, "For you see, all that she knew was imitation and once the wellspring of her source made itself unavailable to her, she flew away looking elsewhere to drink. Nothing truly ever suited her tastes as she never truly formed any of her own. Eventually, her wings grew tired, completely depleted of their borrowed fuel source. She did indeed wither quickly thereafter."
The child looked to the old man with a glint of terror within his eyes.
"Now let me ask you something." The old man said, "Do you know what happens to a swan who has lost its beauty and ability to fly?"
The child shook its head.
"They chop its head off!"
"That's terrible!" The child dejected.
"No. That's mercy." The old man retorted.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
"Erotic Quiz" Part 3 (final)
--- If you would like to read part 1 or 2, learn to use technology better than myself (shouldn't prove too difficult) and click on stuff until you find it... or not.
Without further ado:
21. Is it easy to find your way through life?
-I am instantly bored and uninterested in anyone who finds that to be the case themselves. What's the point if it's easy? I find I always swim the current as best as I can and I always end up somewhere good eventually, even if it's not where or what I intended.
22. Do you enjoy challenges?
-Mostly, I live for them, but right now I could stand to have a few less.
23. How do you feel when you don't get what you want?
- Like I fucked something up. I blame any inability to obtain (even group goals and efforts) on myself entirely. "I must have missed something." "I didn't work hard enough." "Maybe this isn't what I (we) wanted at all. It provokes the most obsessive thought process that I possess. It's why I'm an insomniac and never stop...
24. Are you comfortable around others who have qualities, possessions, and partners you also desire?
-As long as I feel they deserve it, appreciate it... I could give a rat's ass. If I want it bad enough, I'll figure out something and that has nothing to do with anyone else.
25. Do you stare into the mirror and contemplate your person for an extended period of time?
-Once in a great while. The lines on our face tell us how we've really been feeling regardless of what we tell ourselves. I feel the mind, body, and spirit are intrinsically tied to one another. How can you assess the full picture without ever assessing the vessel? How you treat it speaks volumes.
26. Do you enjoy the outdoors?
-I don't understand why I have to live "indoors". Outside is where life is. I wish I could be in it constantly.
27. What is your favorite recreational activity?
-Camping/Exploring
28. Do you believe in a "Cosmic Force," a "Devine Creator," or "God" if you will?
-I find it illogical to believe otherwise. As for titles... "we all believe in the same creator, all else is a dispute over triffles."
29. Are you a planner, fly by the seat of your pants, or somewhere in between?
-Well if there's one thing I'm not, it's somewhere in between. I extremely fluctuate between those two extremes. Some plans I've nurtured have taken over a decade to come to fruition. The longest plan I have stuck to took 14 years... One I'm working on is getting close to 20, but I'm almost there. Boy, how sweet it is. Not bad considering I'm 26. Most other things are by the seat of my pants though, which I'm pretty good at... too much resources dedicated to those long term plans...
30. In life, what is the most important thing?
-To live! Duh! Life and experience is to enrich the soul. How you gonna do it if you're just always waiting on that conveyor belt of time? "You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?" -Modest Mouse
And that is all! Thanks for taking time to consider some of my insights.
As for the "erotic" part, this is derivative from the Greek term "Eros" meaning to come or bind together. It is for this "missing link" between our Psyches (souls) that drives our desires (Desire being the primary definition of Eros) to create, to become closer through sex, creating children, art.... everything we want as a reflection of our Psyches... If you really review this quiz, it's entirely about wants, desires.... and if we can answer these questions that mysterious link (Free Will/Mental Consciousness) will help to reveal to us who our souls really are.
Without further ado:
21. Is it easy to find your way through life?
-I am instantly bored and uninterested in anyone who finds that to be the case themselves. What's the point if it's easy? I find I always swim the current as best as I can and I always end up somewhere good eventually, even if it's not where or what I intended.
22. Do you enjoy challenges?
-Mostly, I live for them, but right now I could stand to have a few less.
23. How do you feel when you don't get what you want?
- Like I fucked something up. I blame any inability to obtain (even group goals and efforts) on myself entirely. "I must have missed something." "I didn't work hard enough." "Maybe this isn't what I (we) wanted at all. It provokes the most obsessive thought process that I possess. It's why I'm an insomniac and never stop...
24. Are you comfortable around others who have qualities, possessions, and partners you also desire?
-As long as I feel they deserve it, appreciate it... I could give a rat's ass. If I want it bad enough, I'll figure out something and that has nothing to do with anyone else.
25. Do you stare into the mirror and contemplate your person for an extended period of time?
-Once in a great while. The lines on our face tell us how we've really been feeling regardless of what we tell ourselves. I feel the mind, body, and spirit are intrinsically tied to one another. How can you assess the full picture without ever assessing the vessel? How you treat it speaks volumes.
26. Do you enjoy the outdoors?
-I don't understand why I have to live "indoors". Outside is where life is. I wish I could be in it constantly.
27. What is your favorite recreational activity?
-Camping/Exploring
28. Do you believe in a "Cosmic Force," a "Devine Creator," or "God" if you will?
-I find it illogical to believe otherwise. As for titles... "we all believe in the same creator, all else is a dispute over triffles."
29. Are you a planner, fly by the seat of your pants, or somewhere in between?
-Well if there's one thing I'm not, it's somewhere in between. I extremely fluctuate between those two extremes. Some plans I've nurtured have taken over a decade to come to fruition. The longest plan I have stuck to took 14 years... One I'm working on is getting close to 20, but I'm almost there. Boy, how sweet it is. Not bad considering I'm 26. Most other things are by the seat of my pants though, which I'm pretty good at... too much resources dedicated to those long term plans...
30. In life, what is the most important thing?
-To live! Duh! Life and experience is to enrich the soul. How you gonna do it if you're just always waiting on that conveyor belt of time? "You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?" -Modest Mouse
And that is all! Thanks for taking time to consider some of my insights.
As for the "erotic" part, this is derivative from the Greek term "Eros" meaning to come or bind together. It is for this "missing link" between our Psyches (souls) that drives our desires (Desire being the primary definition of Eros) to create, to become closer through sex, creating children, art.... everything we want as a reflection of our Psyches... If you really review this quiz, it's entirely about wants, desires.... and if we can answer these questions that mysterious link (Free Will/Mental Consciousness) will help to reveal to us who our souls really are.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
"Erotic Quiz" Part 2
Part 1: http://ckaramol.blogspot.com/2015/05/erotic-quiz-part-1.html
11. "I feel like I try to make the best of circumstances. "
- Honestly, if that wasn't the core of being to do such, I would be dead already. I am insufferable when it comes to looking for a silver lining so much to the effect that my loved ones force me to stop for fear of my health.
12. "I often I feel I give too much of myself away."
- I'm very aware of the fact that I may center subjects around myself to provide a "stick my neck out there to embarass myself for the sake of providing for a private chance for my quieter friends to have a chance to apply it to themselves in a non-obtrusive manner" sort of technique that may make me appear to be giving over much of myself, but I was never talking about me. I feel I give everything I have and 90% of it goes unnoticed. This frustrates and hurts me to no end, but I wil not stop, ever.
13. Do you expect a return on curteous efforts?
-Never. It makes me feel like my gesture added guilt to the person and that was never my intention. An occassional overall acknowledgement would do anyone some good from time to time. However, I do expect to not be treated poorly when I do extend those efforts.
14. Is respect earned?
-I find there is a basic level of respect given to any at first, but that level could decline rapidly or increase over time.
15. "Winning comes easily to me."
-So much in fact, I rarely participate in group competition so everyone else stands a chance of having fun. Except bowling. I think that's the one thing I chose to be bad at.
16. "I tend to find other people respond well to my personality."
-Somedays I'm so charming, you'd think I was the antichrist. And somedays, you'd just think I was the antichrist.
17. "I am comfortable with my sexuality."
-You have no idea... "Comfort" isn't enough of a word.
18. What is your favorite hobby?
-Video gamez
19. What is your favorite passion?
-The preservation of our home. To reuinite those I care about with their deepest selves I know they feel dwelling within but don't know how to bring themselves out. To liberate those who would use the opportunity to expand and glorfy the beauteous world around them. I strive for harmony, balance, and truth. That is my passion.
20. What is your favorite food?
-I gotta be honest, Nathan's cooking which has no definable perimeters... but after that, vegetarian Greek and Lebanese.
Friday, May 1, 2015
"Erotic Quiz" Part: 1
I'll get to the bottom of what I'm implying by "erotic" when I am through with this (what will be) 3 part survey. It was something I was suddenly inspired to write (the questions that is) a few mornings ago and then to send out to a few of my closest companions.
The idea was I would ask these series of questions with no follow-through or commentary after the fact. I had a lot of goals I wished to achieve with my friends but what has inspired me to take this "quiz" myself was because of what they bore to me. I figured it only fair.
I was honored and humbled that these individuals were willing to trust me enough to expose their true feelings on these subjects and for that, I wish to inspire more honesty and trust like this in others. So, without further ado, I thank you already for taking the time to read this. I hope it leaves you with something.
1. When you struggle to obtain something that you want, how does that make you feel?
This is probably one of the most frustrating aspects to my life. Material gains I'm rather accustomed to not having but when it comes to life not working out the way I want it to, plans astray, goals not obtained... I can become rather defeated at times. Needless to say I never quit, so intense frustration results. To quote my husband, "When Christine stops getting angry, that's when I'll be worried about her."
2. When you don't get to do something of your choosing for a long time, how do you typically respond?
Oh, boy... down right rebellious. I can push a lot of buttons and throw up quite an array of obsessive, reclusive, depressed, and angry emotions and behaviors. I go in and out of different levels of patience tolerance depending on the current stress level of my life.
3. Would you consider yourself to be a decisive individual?
As far as the mundane and the day to day goes, I am the MOST indecisive person I know. It even irritates me. I can't even decide what to eat most times. I never know if I do or don't want to go somewhere, I don't know if I want to sleep or manically stay up for three nights in a row and make something absurd... However, when I have a precise goal in mind... I am so decisive, that if anyone could really see it's depths to my supporting reasoning to my opinions and decisions they would feel very small. I can say this with such confidence that I welcome anyone with a low enough inferiority complex that they would pick such a tactless argument, to go right on ahead an challenge it... but wouldn't you rather just go do something else?
4. Would you consider yourself to be an individual?
I consider myself The Individual's Individual.
5. "I often feel I get what I want."
In the long run, yes. Oh, very much so.
6. "I often feel I express myself well."
Relatively speaking, I find I express myself better and in more forms to a proficient degree than anyone I know... however, I strive and push myself so hard (and it's never good enough...) because no, I really don't feel I ever express myself well... at least well enough. I tend to create a lot of beauty in the attempts though.
7. Do you find yourself embracing others of similar interests or do you tend to find yourself around others in very different lifestyles of your own?
I use to think that I embraced others of all varieties because that's the thing you're suppose to do for some reason... but even though I think there is always something to be gained from our differences... psh, I'm totally a bird. Birds of a feather... Your average individual cannot digest my company and frankly, I'd rather spend my time more productively.
8. Are you adventurous?
Yes and No. My heart yearns for great adventure, but what I consider to be an adventure may be a dramatic bore to others. I tend to go a lot of places, meet a great variety of people, experience many dangerous and incredible natural wonders that most would never (and shouldn't) even go near. I love roller coasters and loud concerts. (I enjoy complex social drama...) I love to swim in the ocean... but... adventure to me is only worthwhile with others or without others getting in my way. Unfortunately, that is extremely difficult to come by these days... so I guess that's where the "No" part comes in. Not really fair.
9. Do you enjoy travel? How often? What sort of travel? Why do you travel?
I adore travel. Sometimes I feel like I would never stop moving if given the opportunity (although then I would miss home too much... I do like "Home.") I don't get to travel nearly as often as I would like in the last few years and I couldn't even give an "ideal" of what seems reasonable. Some years are chaotic and meant to be spent home, frustrated, thinking, and developing, while others are about decompressing and expanding our universes...which is why I travel. What sort? I love anything that takes me as far away from any human as possible in most cases, but... man, I tell you... a good trip to a good city, with good art, entertainment, culture, and especially HISTORY. I need that too.
10. "I am happy with who I am."
At the end of the day, I couldn't be happier to be any other son-of-a-bitch alive or dead... but sometimes I really hate myself. I mean, sometimes I really hate myself to the point of just not wanting to exist. I get so bent up what I view stress and depression does to me, that sometimes I just don't feel like I know who I am and that's when I am VERY unhappy with myself. As long as I hold on to what I know is true about me, nothing can bring me down and I even tend to make more practical, and calmed decisions in every aspect of my life.
End of Part 1
The idea was I would ask these series of questions with no follow-through or commentary after the fact. I had a lot of goals I wished to achieve with my friends but what has inspired me to take this "quiz" myself was because of what they bore to me. I figured it only fair.
I was honored and humbled that these individuals were willing to trust me enough to expose their true feelings on these subjects and for that, I wish to inspire more honesty and trust like this in others. So, without further ado, I thank you already for taking the time to read this. I hope it leaves you with something.
1. When you struggle to obtain something that you want, how does that make you feel?
This is probably one of the most frustrating aspects to my life. Material gains I'm rather accustomed to not having but when it comes to life not working out the way I want it to, plans astray, goals not obtained... I can become rather defeated at times. Needless to say I never quit, so intense frustration results. To quote my husband, "When Christine stops getting angry, that's when I'll be worried about her."
2. When you don't get to do something of your choosing for a long time, how do you typically respond?
Oh, boy... down right rebellious. I can push a lot of buttons and throw up quite an array of obsessive, reclusive, depressed, and angry emotions and behaviors. I go in and out of different levels of patience tolerance depending on the current stress level of my life.
3. Would you consider yourself to be a decisive individual?
As far as the mundane and the day to day goes, I am the MOST indecisive person I know. It even irritates me. I can't even decide what to eat most times. I never know if I do or don't want to go somewhere, I don't know if I want to sleep or manically stay up for three nights in a row and make something absurd... However, when I have a precise goal in mind... I am so decisive, that if anyone could really see it's depths to my supporting reasoning to my opinions and decisions they would feel very small. I can say this with such confidence that I welcome anyone with a low enough inferiority complex that they would pick such a tactless argument, to go right on ahead an challenge it... but wouldn't you rather just go do something else?
4. Would you consider yourself to be an individual?
I consider myself The Individual's Individual.
5. "I often feel I get what I want."
In the long run, yes. Oh, very much so.
6. "I often feel I express myself well."
Relatively speaking, I find I express myself better and in more forms to a proficient degree than anyone I know... however, I strive and push myself so hard (and it's never good enough...) because no, I really don't feel I ever express myself well... at least well enough. I tend to create a lot of beauty in the attempts though.
7. Do you find yourself embracing others of similar interests or do you tend to find yourself around others in very different lifestyles of your own?
I use to think that I embraced others of all varieties because that's the thing you're suppose to do for some reason... but even though I think there is always something to be gained from our differences... psh, I'm totally a bird. Birds of a feather... Your average individual cannot digest my company and frankly, I'd rather spend my time more productively.
8. Are you adventurous?
Yes and No. My heart yearns for great adventure, but what I consider to be an adventure may be a dramatic bore to others. I tend to go a lot of places, meet a great variety of people, experience many dangerous and incredible natural wonders that most would never (and shouldn't) even go near. I love roller coasters and loud concerts. (I enjoy complex social drama...) I love to swim in the ocean... but... adventure to me is only worthwhile with others or without others getting in my way. Unfortunately, that is extremely difficult to come by these days... so I guess that's where the "No" part comes in. Not really fair.
9. Do you enjoy travel? How often? What sort of travel? Why do you travel?
I adore travel. Sometimes I feel like I would never stop moving if given the opportunity (although then I would miss home too much... I do like "Home.") I don't get to travel nearly as often as I would like in the last few years and I couldn't even give an "ideal" of what seems reasonable. Some years are chaotic and meant to be spent home, frustrated, thinking, and developing, while others are about decompressing and expanding our universes...which is why I travel. What sort? I love anything that takes me as far away from any human as possible in most cases, but... man, I tell you... a good trip to a good city, with good art, entertainment, culture, and especially HISTORY. I need that too.
10. "I am happy with who I am."
At the end of the day, I couldn't be happier to be any other son-of-a-bitch alive or dead... but sometimes I really hate myself. I mean, sometimes I really hate myself to the point of just not wanting to exist. I get so bent up what I view stress and depression does to me, that sometimes I just don't feel like I know who I am and that's when I am VERY unhappy with myself. As long as I hold on to what I know is true about me, nothing can bring me down and I even tend to make more practical, and calmed decisions in every aspect of my life.
End of Part 1
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Making Fantasy Reality
Alright, I know I've whined on numerous occasions about NOT posting anymore of my work for reasons you can backlog for yourself in this blog if you're truly interested... but I knew even then, that was complete and utter bullshit... when it's something I'm really excited about at least, for instance:
Lately, one of my many current obsessions has been doll customization. On the doll herself, I made everything (save my friend's beautiful crochet heart lace that lines the bottom of the dress) including an under chemise, a top bodice, sleeves, bottom skirt, headdress, re-plugged her hair, and "decorated" her face with some paint n' pigments. Her entire outfit is completely designed by me and hand-stitched based on my idea of the "Red Queen" from Alice in Wonderland... not to be confused with "The Queen of Hearts." Of course, there's lots of hidden, fun symbolism in there as always and I mean so much more than I superficially imply. This in a way though, is my own character based on a most obvious, and otherworldly shining figure of history. If you don't know who I'm talking about LEAVE NOW AND NEVER RETURN! I'm serious.
Oh yes, and most recently, I made her her neck "ruff" out of the weirdest stuff... some "puffy paint" and some wire. It was fun.
I've done several others that are rather elaborate and definitely photo worthy, but this is my current favorite. I may get around to posting the others, but I'm always moving forward so quickly on so many things that you'll probably just see the new stuff if you're lucky.
Now, the scene was assembled by myself but without my husband these photos would not be even NEAR as spectacular as what they are. Somewhere between his current new obsession with the particulars of the camera and his longstanding, always developing relationship with Photoshop...
Oh the possibilities.
And these aren't even his "fun" edits... This one here we have dubbed the "Skyrim edit."
Monday, March 9, 2015
Stagnation
It's been a long time since I've expressed myself on this medium. I'm somewhat surprised that I'm on here at all, but then again, I'm not.
I have this compulsion to always keep moving. I'm not condoning or suggesting that what should or shouldn't be done, nor is it all that I consider or do; however, "the itch" as I have so creatively -sarcasm- assigned it to be known as is a continuous, haunting and driving force in my life.
Needless to say my life has been moving so fast but not in so many aspects, that I'm just not really sure what to say.
...I guess when you get down to it, it's really for the vanity of letting the few who do read this know that I'm not always a pile of anger and sadness.
Usually when I'm happy, I'm doing stuff, I'm not writing blogs.
Wait... so that suggests....
No, I used the dis-qualifier "usually," Silly Goose.
I have this compulsion to always keep moving. I'm not condoning or suggesting that what should or shouldn't be done, nor is it all that I consider or do; however, "the itch" as I have so creatively -sarcasm- assigned it to be known as is a continuous, haunting and driving force in my life.
Needless to say my life has been moving so fast but not in so many aspects, that I'm just not really sure what to say.
...I guess when you get down to it, it's really for the vanity of letting the few who do read this know that I'm not always a pile of anger and sadness.
Usually when I'm happy, I'm doing stuff, I'm not writing blogs.
Wait... so that suggests....
No, I used the dis-qualifier "usually," Silly Goose.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
I wouldn't waste your time...
A finite system of checks and balances,
Do exhaust.
Working tirelessly
For those who don't even know
They're lost.
What a grandiose claim!
How inordinately vain!
Silly fool,
My heart bleeds for you.
The difference of what you displace
Will invert and fuck up your already
questionable face.
Unaware tool,
My heart resents you.
Do exhaust.
Working tirelessly
For those who don't even know
They're lost.
What a grandiose claim!
How inordinately vain!
Silly fool,
My heart bleeds for you.
The difference of what you displace
Will invert and fuck up your already
questionable face.
Unaware tool,
My heart resents you.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Fuck
In the ultimate pursuit to denote the self from the concept of God, humanity as a whole has taken "individuality" (which is what that is) to wasted heights.
Meaning, I see so many striving so hard to be completely 100% original that the utter rejection of everything that has come before has led us to no meaning. "For the sake of it." Wee. How fulfilling.
The boiling point has already passed and there is no turning back. Just lay down. It'll be easier. Humans like easy.
I laugh so much at this ludicrous reawakened desire to pursue fantasy, "art,"...... everyone longing for images of our glorious past... because we don't or can't accept that moving forward in the timeline, doesn't always mean it's better. But we won't obtain this... no because we would have to accept that we're wrong now... and then even if we do that, then we got to fix it all...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Good luck with that.
This rejection of everything before us because it's not "now" or "part of progress" (which is a fucking slogan, not something people actually deconstruct and think about)... that'll be our graves.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
And you know why I can post this??? BECAUSE NO ONE LOOKS 5 INCHES IN FRONT OF THEIR NOSES!!!
Not even my damn parents whom I've directed this way many times in desperate attempts to get them to engage on a meaningful level. And people wonder why I don't call them. Why I seriously am just going to pack my shit one of these days and not look back,,, not even once.
Meaning, I see so many striving so hard to be completely 100% original that the utter rejection of everything that has come before has led us to no meaning. "For the sake of it." Wee. How fulfilling.
The boiling point has already passed and there is no turning back. Just lay down. It'll be easier. Humans like easy.
I laugh so much at this ludicrous reawakened desire to pursue fantasy, "art,"...... everyone longing for images of our glorious past... because we don't or can't accept that moving forward in the timeline, doesn't always mean it's better. But we won't obtain this... no because we would have to accept that we're wrong now... and then even if we do that, then we got to fix it all...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Good luck with that.
This rejection of everything before us because it's not "now" or "part of progress" (which is a fucking slogan, not something people actually deconstruct and think about)... that'll be our graves.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
And you know why I can post this??? BECAUSE NO ONE LOOKS 5 INCHES IN FRONT OF THEIR NOSES!!!
Not even my damn parents whom I've directed this way many times in desperate attempts to get them to engage on a meaningful level. And people wonder why I don't call them. Why I seriously am just going to pack my shit one of these days and not look back,,, not even once.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Paradox of Will
Has it ever been considered
before that angels and demons
are one in the same?
And all that made the
difference
was determined from
an individual's choice
on whom brought them
pleasure or pain?
As though these creatures'
soul purposes
were to direct you
before that angels and demons
are one in the same?
And all that made the
difference
was determined from
an individual's choice
on whom brought them
pleasure or pain?
As though these creatures'
soul purposes
were to direct you
in every way.
As though the individual
doesn't have a say.
But to me, you see,
I understand
perfectly
that to deny freewill
is to deny purpose.
To live
without both
pleasure and pain
is to live with nothing to gain.
So I beg,
how might evil exist?
Only in your mind,
if you choose
to persist.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
From the Mountain
If you could come into my home,
You would immediately know.
If you could look into my eyes,
Just once,
Trust me,
It would show.
The tides are turning
And our hearts are yearning
For something more.
I can feel it in my core,
The sound of Ares' footsteps at my door.
No one listens, while I implore.
Life's greatest mysteries,
I do adore.
Let's have tea soon, kay?
You would immediately know.
If you could look into my eyes,
Just once,
Trust me,
It would show.
The tides are turning
And our hearts are yearning
For something more.
I can feel it in my core,
The sound of Ares' footsteps at my door.
No one listens, while I implore.
Life's greatest mysteries,
I do adore.
Let's have tea soon, kay?
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Ready for the time of year
Where little faerie bugs hum in your ear?
Remember the summers
Where everything was exciting,
Our hearts igniting,
And there was no dream of fighting?
I recall the past
Where our feelings were true,
Forever wanting them to last.
And now we're here.
I feel your denial coming in quite clear.
The summers are not warm,
They're cold.
Longing for the days of old.
'Tis a shame,
For my summers never end.
I want you now
Just like I wanted you then.
But I'll wait for you to be done playing pretend,
So we can get on with the greater joys again.
Where little faerie bugs hum in your ear?
Remember the summers
Where everything was exciting,
Our hearts igniting,
And there was no dream of fighting?
I recall the past
Where our feelings were true,
Forever wanting them to last.
And now we're here.
I feel your denial coming in quite clear.
The summers are not warm,
They're cold.
Longing for the days of old.
'Tis a shame,
For my summers never end.
I want you now
Just like I wanted you then.
But I'll wait for you to be done playing pretend,
So we can get on with the greater joys again.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
What Will Grow Crooked...
When the light shines and it burns our eyes, we look away in denial because we can handle anything.
Supporting the underdog doomed to die only ensures a fixed position in life, 6 feet under the underdog.
Making the wrong friends to piss off the right ones will get you far for sure.
Living in pain everyday is an indicator of nothing?
I laugh my ass off because crying is getting old.
Supporting the underdog doomed to die only ensures a fixed position in life, 6 feet under the underdog.
Making the wrong friends to piss off the right ones will get you far for sure.
Living in pain everyday is an indicator of nothing?
I laugh my ass off because crying is getting old.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Old Alunae Snippet
I've been writing a lot recently and I've been sifting through the ever-so-impending stack of papers that is everything that is Alunae up until this point. Let's see, 3 binders, 2, 3 subject notebooks, and 2 folders (including a Chuck Norris one) folder filled to the limit with all my past notes, writings, alternative stories, versions, etc... I've re-started that particular novel 5 times and have more or less written it entirely 2 times over. Needless to say, there's a lot.
Anyway, one of the best finds was a brief excerpt from Captain Jonathan's point of view, originally written April 10, 2011. Ironically, I found and read this exactly 3 years after it was originally written... so I thought, "That's pretty neat." So Ima share it...
What makes her that way? The way she teases me, tortures me without a word. Her gaze deconstructs everything I have ever known and reassembles it all back according to her design... And quite honestly I'm unaware of what that is precisely.
What to do?
This is no pleasant or desired state to find one's self in... somewhere between the walks of life's true beauty and utmost agony.
I study from afar, I admire in proximity, and there I shall remain.
Others do not understand, let alone appreciate her for how truly remarkable she is. They tread so closely, so blindly, so confidently. Alas, they do not deserve her. I do not deserve her.
J. Harold
Aw. What a sad romantic.
Anyway, one of the best finds was a brief excerpt from Captain Jonathan's point of view, originally written April 10, 2011. Ironically, I found and read this exactly 3 years after it was originally written... so I thought, "That's pretty neat." So Ima share it...
What makes her that way? The way she teases me, tortures me without a word. Her gaze deconstructs everything I have ever known and reassembles it all back according to her design... And quite honestly I'm unaware of what that is precisely.
What to do?
This is no pleasant or desired state to find one's self in... somewhere between the walks of life's true beauty and utmost agony.
I study from afar, I admire in proximity, and there I shall remain.
Others do not understand, let alone appreciate her for how truly remarkable she is. They tread so closely, so blindly, so confidently. Alas, they do not deserve her. I do not deserve her.
J. Harold
Aw. What a sad romantic.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Pure word vomit
Threads unraveling,
Spirits traveling.
While your mind is ravaging
Your heart,
Quested for the soul,
While paying the toll,
The whole way.
Not even to stay.
But to transgress,
Through this hostile plane,
Unwelcoming terrain.
I digress,
And I must stress
Now we must rest
For what they may say
When we reach the day
To take the "final test."
Alas it is not the end.
Nor is it the beginning.
I laugh because this is why our heads are spinning.
To those with a superior point of view,
I assure you,
I'm only here to confuse you.
Spirits traveling.
While your mind is ravaging
Your heart,
Quested for the soul,
While paying the toll,
The whole way.
Not even to stay.
But to transgress,
Through this hostile plane,
Unwelcoming terrain.
I digress,
And I must stress
Now we must rest
For what they may say
When we reach the day
To take the "final test."
Alas it is not the end.
Nor is it the beginning.
I laugh because this is why our heads are spinning.
To those with a superior point of view,
I assure you,
I'm only here to confuse you.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
All Boiling Over
I haven't written on here in ages. So much to the point that I was beginning to wonder if I ever would again. This life moves so quickly. People move on from one thing to the next without a first thought, let alone a second one. Truthfully, it's why I feel safe saying whatever the hell I want... because sure, you may be mad for a second until you go watch TV or something...
Besides being overtly negative already, I mostly just haven't known how to express exactly everything I've been thinking. Then I realized it wasn't a matter of not being able to, I don't want to.
Simply put my days of being able to relate the particulars of my life are now over. That's okay with me, entirely.
I've been through a lot since I've moved down here. On a basic level, I've lost about 20 lbs, negative relationships are no longer weighing me down, and existentially I've completely transformed but I am wholly who I have always been... it's nice.
I've been all over the place creatively. Writing, painting, costuming. I'm mostly anxiety ridden about not having the ability to get out and photograph some of my most recent work, but with a little patience, that will come in due time.
Good things are happening and even better things are coming.
Besides being overtly negative already, I mostly just haven't known how to express exactly everything I've been thinking. Then I realized it wasn't a matter of not being able to, I don't want to.
Simply put my days of being able to relate the particulars of my life are now over. That's okay with me, entirely.
I've been through a lot since I've moved down here. On a basic level, I've lost about 20 lbs, negative relationships are no longer weighing me down, and existentially I've completely transformed but I am wholly who I have always been... it's nice.
I've been all over the place creatively. Writing, painting, costuming. I'm mostly anxiety ridden about not having the ability to get out and photograph some of my most recent work, but with a little patience, that will come in due time.
Good things are happening and even better things are coming.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Disregard this rant
Today I am immensely irritated.
Nothing new.
So that irritates me. There's always something.
On the quest for there to be less something in my life, I'm bombarded by nearly useless and certainly hopeless appendages that make it exceedingly difficult to just simply feel better. But I will. Because they're not worth it. I go through this little anger, narcissistic coil in my mind that says right here, "Fuck them because they're stupid."
And that's how I just feel about everything right now. STUPID SO MUCH STUPID
Nothing new.
So that irritates me. There's always something.
On the quest for there to be less something in my life, I'm bombarded by nearly useless and certainly hopeless appendages that make it exceedingly difficult to just simply feel better. But I will. Because they're not worth it. I go through this little anger, narcissistic coil in my mind that says right here, "Fuck them because they're stupid."
And that's how I just feel about everything right now. STUPID SO MUCH STUPID
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
"Little E"
What does the "E" stand for? Well it could stand for a lot of things...
This is the place my brain needs to go between the million other things I do.
Lately I've been in the habit of gluing little shiny things onto paper and not giving a crap about what anyone else thinks.
I hope you enjoy my fanciful rebellion and assuredly, many more to come.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Paper Toys
There are always moments in life where everything that has been culminating, either by your own hands or by forces outside of your own, reaches its point of convergence.
I've seen all of these relevant factors, or "forces" if you will, moving, all like separate ongoing and expanding lines, each with their own color and meaning. Like waiting for the car crash you see coming long before anyone else does, if you've ever experienced such a thing, I've known these forces would collide inevitably at some point. I just didn't know when, and I just didn't know it would hurt so much.
I suppose had I been forewarned of the strife that was necessary to become what I have and to continue down this path, I may have reconsidered everything. Yet, I don't regret a thing.
Nonetheless, the immediate retaliation to finally coming to full terms and acceptance to what has happened in the past 2 years lead to some... unexpected results.
Being immensely frustrated (down right anxiety ridden) with the massive "to-do" list that had accumulated from that time, I instinctively knew I just had to make something for myself for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that I wanted to do it.
So I made paper dolls...
My paper doll's sexual prowess is too much for the internet to handle...
Yeah, of course his too.
They more or less fully articulate and everything except Nathan's facial hair is interchangeable. Why paper dolls? Why do people live vicariously through their children?
Or even through fictional stories on television, or heaven forbid, a book?
Perhaps it's just that somewhere along the way people somehow never acquire or lose the ability to express it themselves.
And that is genuinely sad.
Live vicariously through me if you must but I think everyone should find their own paper doll.
These paper dolls are now muses for probably most of my personal costumes to come. I've already started working on a costume for Halloween based on the first image. They've re sparked just enough fire in my life to light everything else. Oh, what a little fun for the sake of fun will do for you.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Human Flower
Such fragile, poor spirits.
Perfected standardized methods of protection,
for their foolish, misguided hearts.
All the passion in the world
For themselves
And not much else.
Blot out the sun,
They grow so tall
So nothing else may grow.
All because they are cowards.
It is difficult to maintain sympathy
When there is so much pity.
Perfected standardized methods of protection,
for their foolish, misguided hearts.
All the passion in the world
For themselves
And not much else.
Blot out the sun,
They grow so tall
So nothing else may grow.
All because they are cowards.
It is difficult to maintain sympathy
When there is so much pity.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Oh, midsummer...
So, I've been 25 for a few weeks now and what a different vantage point I now posses... Is there something "magical" about the age that immediately transforms someone at that very minute they have officially danced 25 trips around the sun? Not for everyone ;)
Stating what I've learned specifically or even how I've changed takes context so grand it's why I don't bother explaining too much in my life anymore. I now contend with my person being so over-encompassing, choosing what I put out for the public is, out of necessity, far more of a refined artform. For the past 2 years as I've honestly come to terms with my person (formulating my own work habits, how I'll handle a mass amount of long distance relationships, how I'll deal with loneliness and unfamiliarity, etc.) this has been a source of great anxiety for me. It's driven me to isolationist behavior that I would have never imagined possible within the perimeters of my person.
I struggled with the strangest form of pride in that time. It took me forever to even identify that I was embarrassed of my own retreat from the world because I never viewed myself as a weak person and initially saw my hermit-like tendencies as of course, weakness. But then I woke up and realized it's okay to need time to yourself and if people cannot be understanding or sympathetic to that, they shouldn't be your friends... All things of course are relative.
I've stated this many times in many ways but stating I'm grateful for the experience, albeit, beyond difficult, sanity breaching, and still massively depressing at times. I wish I could tell you what I know, but I've been saying that my whole life... now that I've officially concluded that I cannot (also not new), I won't mention that I know all kinds of crazy cosmic stuff that would change your view on everything... if it didn't drive you mad first... ever again. Sort of like when I said I wasn't going to show my artwork anymore...
If you know where to follow me, you're lucky... or a pain in my ass.
At any rate, it's no reflection on how I feel about anyone. My sentiments rarely diminish.
What I do know is: overall, I detest participating in the break-neck social monstrosity that is viral social networking... any kind... I'm not discriminate... just like not being a racist, I hate all social networking equally. I have confidence that the stress it causes will persuade many to abandon it like beanie babies all in a matter of time... if not, the human race's destiny was predicted by Pixar, and I will have no part in it anyway. (Wall-E people). So for as many times as I've said it, in the number of ways that I have: no, I will not get on Tumblr. No, I do not have a Twitter. I have a facebook and a deviantart and I honestly don't even want those.
I'm an artist. We live to live outside the social norm. Deal with it. I only intend on getting more irritating.
What I also know is that I love wholly and I will not let the superficiality of the internet destroy what my internetless upbringing taught me about what matters most in relationships. I want to hear about your life with the words coming out of your mouth, with your expressions, your hand gestures. I want to see your art in person and know that you are real. I don't want shallow pats on the back and typed phrasings of affirmation. I can't sit long enough for skype conversation most days and too many people want my phone number. This is me and I'm sure in due time it will pay to remain consistent and true. It has yet to fail me.
I bring this up so often, it honestly sickens me that it's on this blog when I consider my initial intentions with it... but there's a good reason for it. I care about people, a lot...
...But given any other time in history, I would only be happily received upon any form of contact after a long period of time, not drilled for why it has been so long or abandoned by people who would follow "quicker fancies."
In an age of instant gratification, saying it's difficult to compete with the current of life no matter how genuine or complex you are is a grotesque understatement.
Being that I care, a lot, I will continue to the best that I can to keep connected and participate in the best way I can tolerate. But shit, I'm 25 and my life is picking up. I'd rather live outside.
However, to avoid sounding completely ungrateful I had an amazing birthday due to so many.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txxDUTbY9Ec&list=FLv0CcdsqJHrA8qKFyd7-oPQ&index=1
This is a cute and hilarious video that cannot be forgotten. Feeling so distant and detached from everyone for so long, this was one the best gifts I could have received. Yes, I cried.
As for the general commentary of my birthday adventure (as it really has consumed most of the month) is that it was much needed. Hearing that people think that I deserve it, was extremely empowering and encouraged me to enjoy it to the fullest. I backpacked 16 miles, saw flying squirrels, heard wolves howl at dusk and dawn, touched stingrays and sharks, perused beautiful gardens, pet Koi fish, and swam in a natural spring.
Since, I've taken an exceptional effort to try and relax, which I'm not the best at, but with 3 days left, I can't push it any further. I'm feeling much more positive these days. I've got some good herbs in my system, a healthy, vitalizing diet that I've come by naturally, a body I'm finally happy with, constant amazing weather, a now impenetrable posse, Mr. Moose, work, a perfect partner, and we'll be moving hopefully soon to a place with a backyard. Once I have backyard, all will be right with the world. The golden generator will go into overdrive. Gotta turn those engines on slowly...
Stating what I've learned specifically or even how I've changed takes context so grand it's why I don't bother explaining too much in my life anymore. I now contend with my person being so over-encompassing, choosing what I put out for the public is, out of necessity, far more of a refined artform. For the past 2 years as I've honestly come to terms with my person (formulating my own work habits, how I'll handle a mass amount of long distance relationships, how I'll deal with loneliness and unfamiliarity, etc.) this has been a source of great anxiety for me. It's driven me to isolationist behavior that I would have never imagined possible within the perimeters of my person.
I struggled with the strangest form of pride in that time. It took me forever to even identify that I was embarrassed of my own retreat from the world because I never viewed myself as a weak person and initially saw my hermit-like tendencies as of course, weakness. But then I woke up and realized it's okay to need time to yourself and if people cannot be understanding or sympathetic to that, they shouldn't be your friends... All things of course are relative.
I've stated this many times in many ways but stating I'm grateful for the experience, albeit, beyond difficult, sanity breaching, and still massively depressing at times. I wish I could tell you what I know, but I've been saying that my whole life... now that I've officially concluded that I cannot (also not new), I won't mention that I know all kinds of crazy cosmic stuff that would change your view on everything... if it didn't drive you mad first... ever again. Sort of like when I said I wasn't going to show my artwork anymore...
If you know where to follow me, you're lucky... or a pain in my ass.
At any rate, it's no reflection on how I feel about anyone. My sentiments rarely diminish.
What I do know is: overall, I detest participating in the break-neck social monstrosity that is viral social networking... any kind... I'm not discriminate... just like not being a racist, I hate all social networking equally. I have confidence that the stress it causes will persuade many to abandon it like beanie babies all in a matter of time... if not, the human race's destiny was predicted by Pixar, and I will have no part in it anyway. (Wall-E people). So for as many times as I've said it, in the number of ways that I have: no, I will not get on Tumblr. No, I do not have a Twitter. I have a facebook and a deviantart and I honestly don't even want those.
I'm an artist. We live to live outside the social norm. Deal with it. I only intend on getting more irritating.
What I also know is that I love wholly and I will not let the superficiality of the internet destroy what my internetless upbringing taught me about what matters most in relationships. I want to hear about your life with the words coming out of your mouth, with your expressions, your hand gestures. I want to see your art in person and know that you are real. I don't want shallow pats on the back and typed phrasings of affirmation. I can't sit long enough for skype conversation most days and too many people want my phone number. This is me and I'm sure in due time it will pay to remain consistent and true. It has yet to fail me.
I bring this up so often, it honestly sickens me that it's on this blog when I consider my initial intentions with it... but there's a good reason for it. I care about people, a lot...
...But given any other time in history, I would only be happily received upon any form of contact after a long period of time, not drilled for why it has been so long or abandoned by people who would follow "quicker fancies."
In an age of instant gratification, saying it's difficult to compete with the current of life no matter how genuine or complex you are is a grotesque understatement.
Being that I care, a lot, I will continue to the best that I can to keep connected and participate in the best way I can tolerate. But shit, I'm 25 and my life is picking up. I'd rather live outside.
However, to avoid sounding completely ungrateful I had an amazing birthday due to so many.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txxDUTbY9Ec&list=FLv0CcdsqJHrA8qKFyd7-oPQ&index=1
This is a cute and hilarious video that cannot be forgotten. Feeling so distant and detached from everyone for so long, this was one the best gifts I could have received. Yes, I cried.
As for the general commentary of my birthday adventure (as it really has consumed most of the month) is that it was much needed. Hearing that people think that I deserve it, was extremely empowering and encouraged me to enjoy it to the fullest. I backpacked 16 miles, saw flying squirrels, heard wolves howl at dusk and dawn, touched stingrays and sharks, perused beautiful gardens, pet Koi fish, and swam in a natural spring.
Since, I've taken an exceptional effort to try and relax, which I'm not the best at, but with 3 days left, I can't push it any further. I'm feeling much more positive these days. I've got some good herbs in my system, a healthy, vitalizing diet that I've come by naturally, a body I'm finally happy with, constant amazing weather, a now impenetrable posse, Mr. Moose, work, a perfect partner, and we'll be moving hopefully soon to a place with a backyard. Once I have backyard, all will be right with the world. The golden generator will go into overdrive. Gotta turn those engines on slowly...
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